Mercer's Poems
Who Pulls The Strings
Another project that was intended as a collaboration with the puppet individual whose name escapes me. 
This was intended as a mock magazine type show.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHO PULLS THE STRINGS?

 

“Pilot”

 

by


Karl Mercer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FADE IN:

 

INT. STUDIO – EARLY MORNING

 

We start on the studio, focussed on PHIL, the male presenter of the show Who Pulls the Strings? A smartly presented male puppet.

 

PHIL

Good morning and welcome to Who Pulls the Strings? And today we’ve got a very special show for you. Haven’t we Fern?

 

We cut to Fern, a puppet of an actual fern.

 

FERN

Yes indeed we do. On today’s show

We’ll be talking about why you

Haven’t got a job. Are you just

Lazy, or is your excuse that

You’re a single mum?

 

PHIL

We’ll also be looking at cheap

Alternatives to electric lighting

As part of our go green with envy

Season. All your neighbours are

Going green…Why aren’t you!?

 

FERN

But first, let’s get the latest

News updates with our new news

Team!

 

FADE IN:

 

INT. NEWSROOM – EARLY MORNING

 

A news style opening with martial music sets the scene, the camera then pans in on a studio featuring a single two person desk, and a screen bearing a New News logo.

 

A mouse, BEN, and a lady, MYRA, are sat next to each other at the desk, the lady still clutching her papers; she taps them, and lays them calmly on the desk.

 

BEN

Good evening. Welcome to new news, the newest news that we knew before anyone else knew the new news.

Tonight!

A dramatic breakthrough in Jesus Christ crucifixion case… eleven brownies held in questioning.

 

He pauses

 

A video game was brutally raped and left for dead in a London shop. Police say that the rapist was influenced by the general violence of mankind!

 

Cut to a shot of Myra.

 

MYRA

In Bury-St-Edmonds, a new survey links obesity to global warming.

 

Cut to a slightly different shot, but with MYRA looking at the wrong camera.

 

And more from our people’s interest story series detailing the difficult lives of those less fortunate. This week, the tragedy of a small group suffering from broken buttons on their television remotes, forcing them to watch Jonathan Ross…

 

Cut back to BEN

 

BEN

Horrendous! It has been revealed tonight that eleven members of the female equivalent of the scouts, the brownies are being held in the Jesus Christ crucifixion case.

Mr. Christ, previously believed to have been crucified for religious reasons approximately 1,970 years ago has recently had the case file re-opened after DNA evidence linking a troupe of brownies to the incident.

 

There has been much controversy from the Catholic church, our local vicar said…

 

A graphic appears on screen showing the text appearing as it is being read.

 

“Jesus Christ Our Lord died for our sins on that cross, regardless of whether it was fated religious bigotry, or a gang of vicious brownies that put him there. We just want to get to the bottom of all this…”

 

Return to BEN

 

We tried to get a statement from the Brown Owl, but she refused to comment. She merely emitted a pellet, and said “Hoo…?”

 

Cut to MYRA

 

MYRA

Scientists in Bury St Edmonds have discovered that global warming could be the cause of the majority of obesity in our society.

 

Apparently, as global temperatures rise, the body adjusts it’s metabolism in order to prevent overheating. The resulting stagnation process creates more gas, thus leading to more global warming, and also increased stool size. The scientists say that this is pollution but it sounds like a load of shit to us.

 

Cut back to BEN

 

 

BEN

In London, a video game has been found raped in a London shop…In London…

 

The game, a perfectly innocent affair involving murder, prostitution and gambling, was found weeping on the floor of the shop by a dog walker. He said “I was just wandering around and that, and I saw this fing on the floor of the gaff…It were sobbing…and that’s when I thought…that looks distinctly like a raped game!”

 

The police believe that the motiveless attack could have been as a result of a person seeing the constant real violence going on in our daily lives. The constant images of war in the news, road rage, Friday night violence etc. A spokesperson on modern morality had this to say.

 

Cut to a responsible looking SPOKESMAN in spectacles.

 

SPOKESMAN

Erm, a more…err…inexperienced mind may err believe that possibly movies, erm, other video games, erm, and perhaps even rap or rock music featuring explicit and violent lyrics err would be to blame for this. But it’s quite apparent to me that, such stereotyped scapegoating should be stopped, especially when I saw, only the other day a “moral” citizen forcibly burn his partner to death as a protest to a new film that featured two uses of the word “Fuck…”

 

I mean, for fucks sake, when will these hoity toity idiotic FUCKWITS learn that the cause of the majority of violence in the world is their own bigoted attitudes, and their refusal to believe that the levels of exclusion and alienation in our society lead people to feel threatened…and like most animals, when we feel threatened we lash out! Fucking idiots!”

 

Cut back to BEN

 

BEN

A man is being held in custody for the assault, and is believed to have already confessed…In fact! Some breaking news here! A police spokesperson is ready to talk live!

 

Cut to a person in hangman’s garb, with a police hat on.

Our POLICEMAN.

 

POLICEMAN

At 12:15 this afternoon, after hours of tort…erm…Interrogation, the suspect in the video game rape case confessed to his crime. He was then allowed out into the exercise yard to play hopscotch and skipping rope with the other inmates…However it is believed that he lynched himself in shame, beating himself black and blue, throwing himself over the branch of a tree with a noose, and then, despite his neck having already been snapped on hanging, it is believed he set himself on fire.

 

 

Cut back to BEN

 

BEN

Only the newest news on new news! Eh Myra?

 

Cut to the lady anchor.

 

MYRA

Too right shrimp dick.

 

Cut back to a quick face shot of BEN looking shocked.

 

And now, a story from our humanities correspondent, Nibbleson Cheddar.

 

Cut to our mouse on the scene, NIBBLESON Cheddar, who walks from a front path, into somebody’s house, whilst speaking.

Inside the house, a real person playing a scumbag, ALEX McRuben sits depressed on the couch.

 

NIBBLESON

There are many banes on our society. From drugs, organised crime, prostitution, even gun crime! But there’s something at the moment that seems highly prominent. Causing depression, alcoholism, and even leading to further substance abuse.

 

To most people, the breakdown of a remote control merely leads to a trip to buy new batteries. But those of you who purchased the Soony Infinicontrol, which claimed to have a battery that would last forever, have been forced to suffer a fate, considered much worse than death!

 

With me today is Alex McRuben, a 28 year old man, who used to be a hard working, independent person. He bought the Soony Infinicontrol thinking that in his hectic lifestyle, it would alleviate that stress. But then, one Friday Night, the batteries in the Infinicontrol malfunctioned. Mr. McRuben, who had been innocently watching the news at ten, found the television stuck. What followed next is too graphic to describe…

 

He pauses for a moment.

 

…For other channels, but we’ll tell you outright! Mr McRuben was forced to watch over half an hour of Jonathan Ross making crude jokes about cum, sex toys, and his wife’s quite sizeable arse (but you still would…)

 

Mr. McRuben, how did that make you feel?

 

ALEX

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

He pauses, before collecting himself.

 

I found his humour to be base, and most uncouth, and I believe it’s all scripted by some failing writer anyway who couldn’t possibly deliver the lines in as comical a fashion as Ross, simply because of his spastic mouth.

 

NIBBLESON

I’m sure we can all understand your pain.

 

Many more cases, like Mr. McRuben’s here, have been described. Quite what the implications are for the future of our society, we couldn’t possibly predict, but for now, what we do know is, Jonathan Ross made these people mental!

 

Back to the studio.

 

Cut back to BEN

 

BEN

Thank you Nibbleson. A re-Cap of tonight’s headlines.

Eleven girl guides held in questioning over Jesus case.

Bury St Edmonds Scientists make up some bollocks about greenhouse gasses.

Sick fuck rapes game, and then lynches himself to avoid the pain of guilt

And victims of the infinicontrol scandal are believed to have been so mentally scarred by their experiences that the only job they will be able to get is as panellists on Mock the Week.

 

Goodnight.

 

Cut to MYRA

 

MYRA

Goodnight.

 

The shot pans away, showing the two nattering away to each other and ruffling papers and the like.

 

FADE OUT:

 

FADE IN

 

INT: PHIL AND FERN’S STUDIO.

 

PHIL

Right, it’s not everyday you disintegrate into dust. In fact it’s such a rare occurrence that you have more chance of winning the lottery whilst being struck by lightening twice as a meteorite hits you…on the nob…

 

FERN

Yes, but that’s exactly what happened to our next guest! …The disintegration…not the lottery, lightening, hit on the nob thing…

 

PHIL

So welcome Lynn-Marie on the show!

 

PHIL motions his arms toward a couch with nothing but a sprinkling of dust on it…

 

So, Lynn-Marie…Disintegrating, that must have been a pretty big shock to you!?

 

LYNNE-MARIE

 

 

FERN

Obviously it would have been very traumatic. But were your family around to support you?

 

LYNNE-MARIE

 

 

PHIL

 

Erm…I can understand you may have some…issues, shall we say, with regards to talking about the experience, but can you give our audience some idea of what your situation is like…

 

LYNNE-MARIE

 

Fucking dusty! I’m always sneezing and I shit meself whenever someone gets the bloody dyson out!

 

PHIL

Wow…well what a harrowing tale…we wish you all the best for the future.

 

FERN

 

Thank you for appearing. I wish you luck. Anyways, now it’s time for our holiday with Honey and Antoine.