Mercer's Poems
Bad Song Lyrics

I’ve had this promised for quite some time but am only just getting around to it now (owing to having misplaced my television remote and having little else to do…) 

Songs can be wonderful things. Poetic lyrics melodiously accompanied by instruments that can touch our very hearts - stirring memories. Sounds inspiring thoughts of scents, tastes, feels, times, places…All sorts. Human reaction to music is often a very good argument for the existence of a soul because it manages to affect us in a very profound way.

But, sometimes - not so much! Sometimes song lyrics can be horrific. bastardisations of language - nonsensical dribblings from the mouths of homogenous pop gits. I’m going to tackle a few of these songs. I believe I have mentioned some before - possible in my ‘The Commute’ story, but I will probably repeat them here. Either way, here is a little collection of lyrics I find shitty. I will credit the artist and song but some will obviously have been written by song writers - you can look them up yourself to find out to whom you should direct your hatemail…

"My hips don’t lie…"
Hips Don’t Lie - Shakira
Well…of course they don’t. They are an entirely non-sapient part of your body. They are incapable of telling lies. They are also incapable of telling truths. Indeed, Shakira, your hips despite being capable of many, many great and hypnotic things still have little capacity to communicate. Does make me rather want to ask her hips questions to find out if this lyric is true…Perhaps ‘Shakira’s Hips’ could be the new magic 8-ball!? 

"Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk."
Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
This song is apparently about an abusive relationship Ms. Clarkson was in. However it seems before this abuse started one of her main hobbies was jaywalking! What does this lyric even mean? If it is supposed to be an expression of inconfidence and a reduction in ability to take risks then it is highly inappropriate because wantonly walking in the middle of roads is a risk no individual should be taking! This is a really stupid lyric, implying to impressionable young people everywhere that walking around in front of traffic is in some way a bloody liberating experience! IT’S STUPID! 

"I would do anything for love…but I won’t do that."
Anything for Love - Meatloaf.
Firstly, what!? What would you not do for love!? Secondly, if you won’t do that, you won’t do ‘anything’ - The correct lyric should, of course, be “I would do a multitude of things for love, although I can think of at least one exception.”

"He was a boy, she was a girl - Can I make it anymore obvious?"
Sk8r Boi - Avril Lavigne
I could probably go through a catalogue of this vapid wannabe-punk’s shitty words but I think I shall answer this one…Yes Avril, you could make it more obvious…For example “He had a dick, she had a cunt - Can I make it anymore obvious?” or possibly “This is going to be a shitty pop-punk lovesong about two people of opposing sexes.”

"No, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no there’s no limit."
No Limit - 2 Unlimited
Except, possibly, to your vocabulary.

"Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak - somewhere in this town!"
Jailbreak - Thin Lizzy
Erm…Well I wonder where this jailbreak is going to occur. Maybe at the pet shop? Or down the pub? Can you have a jailbreak at the pub? No, I don’t suppose you can. Maybe there is going to be a jailbreak…No, surely not…At the jail!?

"The way you do the things you do reminds me of my Lexus Coup…"
R Kelly - Ignition (remix)
Pretty much this whole song is a clusterfuck of lulzability in which Mr. Kelly likes to let ladies know they remind him of his cars…I think he is supposed to be referring to a quality chassis, a good engine and a great ride…Actually I just imagine he means less than ten years old and he can afford the insurance in case of mishap. Other magnificent lyrics in this song include “Can I get a toot toot, can I get a beep beep?” clearly showing the ladies he is after have a very low mental age (or physical age…yeah, I’m running with this whole R Kelly is a fucking pedobear thing because he is!) But one of the best lyrics in the whole thing is “Now it’s like Murder She Wrote once I get you out them clothes…” Whichever way you interpret this it is hilarious. You see, if you take the phrase ‘murder she wrote’ what Kelly is saying is that by the time you’re naked, he’s already cum in his pants…Or it could also mean you have the aged body of Angela Lansbury! Either way it’s fucking shit lyric!

"Have a drink, have a drive. Go out and see what you can find." 
Mungo Jerry - In the Summertime
By the sounds of it, Mr. Jerry, you can find an officer tapping on your window and a charge for driving under the influence of alcohol! His lack of personal responsibility does not end there though…Oh no…He also includes the line “If her daddy’s rich, take her out for a meal. If her daddy’s poor, just do what you feel.” implying that poor people can be abused to your heart’s content if you are out in the summer looking for something to do. Drink driving and sexual assault in one night!?

"If we sing, siiii-iiing. Sing, siiiiiing, siiiing, siiiing."
"If we turn, tuuuuuuuuurn, turn turn turn. Turn, tuuuuuuurn, tuuuuuuuuuurn."
Travis - Sing & Turn respectively.
Travis proving that writing song lyrics essentially involves doing mundane things repeatedly and for extended periods of time. The lyrics to turn are even more magnificent in that, by turning, we might learn to turn! But it seems you already have quite a firm grasp on turning having turned to learn to turn in the first place!

"Oh life is bigger - is bigger than you - and you are not me."
REM - Losing My Religion
Wait…Life is bigger than me, and I am not you!? I AM FUCKING STUNNED BY THESE WISE REVELATIONS! I had no idea that the entire scope of life on this planet and potentially in others was bigger than the existence of one organism within it. Nor did I realise, Mr. Stripe that I was not you! I feel silly for having wandered around with my face painted blue being a pretentious cock now!

"Sometimes the snow comes down in June. Sometimes the Sun goes round the Moon…"
Vanessa Williams - Save the Best ‘Til Last
Well, the first sentence is a rather astute meteorological observation. Indeed as a form of precipitation it is likely snow comes down almost every day somewhere or other in the world. However, the second sentence is just…well…wrong…What more can you say than…”No, Vanessa, it does not. It never has.”?

"Guess who’s back in the motherfucking house with a fat dick for yo’ motherfucking mouth!?"
Snoop Dogg - Ain’t No Fun (If the Homies Can’t Have None)
This song is lulzy G-funk puerility. If you want proof that misogyny is pathetic, listen to this track! But that line just cracks me up as I imagine Snoop bursting into all sorts of situations using it as his greeting! Indeed, I may have to start using it myself - so if I pop round to visit expect me to knock on your door and declare who it is by belting out “GUESS WHO’S BACK IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE WITH A FAT DICK FOR YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH!?” If your answer to that is ‘Jehovah’s Witnesses’ I may just burst into tears from laughter.

And Finally

By the Black Eyed Peas
Seriously, if these guys are not delegating their lyric work to barely literate infants there is something desperately wrong with music today. From outright stupid, to downright offensive they have very few lyrics that under even basic scrutiny could be considered ‘adequate’ - Fuck these guys, they are shit!