Mercer's Poems
Bad Song Lyrics

I’ve had this promised for quite some time but am only just getting around to it now (owing to having misplaced my television remote and having little else to do…) 

Songs can be wonderful things. Poetic lyrics melodiously accompanied by instruments that can touch our very hearts - stirring memories. Sounds inspiring thoughts of scents, tastes, feels, times, places…All sorts. Human reaction to music is often a very good argument for the existence of a soul because it manages to affect us in a very profound way.

But, sometimes - not so much! Sometimes song lyrics can be horrific. bastardisations of language - nonsensical dribblings from the mouths of homogenous pop gits. I’m going to tackle a few of these songs. I believe I have mentioned some before - possible in my ‘The Commute’ story, but I will probably repeat them here. Either way, here is a little collection of lyrics I find shitty. I will credit the artist and song but some will obviously have been written by song writers - you can look them up yourself to find out to whom you should direct your hatemail…

"My hips don’t lie…"
Hips Don’t Lie - Shakira
Well…of course they don’t. They are an entirely non-sapient part of your body. They are incapable of telling lies. They are also incapable of telling truths. Indeed, Shakira, your hips despite being capable of many, many great and hypnotic things still have little capacity to communicate. Does make me rather want to ask her hips questions to find out if this lyric is true…Perhaps ‘Shakira’s Hips’ could be the new magic 8-ball!? 

"Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk."
Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
This song is apparently about an abusive relationship Ms. Clarkson was in. However it seems before this abuse started one of her main hobbies was jaywalking! What does this lyric even mean? If it is supposed to be an expression of inconfidence and a reduction in ability to take risks then it is highly inappropriate because wantonly walking in the middle of roads is a risk no individual should be taking! This is a really stupid lyric, implying to impressionable young people everywhere that walking around in front of traffic is in some way a bloody liberating experience! IT’S STUPID! 

"I would do anything for love…but I won’t do that."
Anything for Love - Meatloaf.
Firstly, what!? What would you not do for love!? Secondly, if you won’t do that, you won’t do ‘anything’ - The correct lyric should, of course, be “I would do a multitude of things for love, although I can think of at least one exception.”

"He was a boy, she was a girl - Can I make it anymore obvious?"
Sk8r Boi - Avril Lavigne
I could probably go through a catalogue of this vapid wannabe-punk’s shitty words but I think I shall answer this one…Yes Avril, you could make it more obvious…For example “He had a dick, she had a cunt - Can I make it anymore obvious?” or possibly “This is going to be a shitty pop-punk lovesong about two people of opposing sexes.”

"No, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no there’s no limit."
No Limit - 2 Unlimited
Except, possibly, to your vocabulary.

"Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak - somewhere in this town!"
Jailbreak - Thin Lizzy
Erm…Well I wonder where this jailbreak is going to occur. Maybe at the pet shop? Or down the pub? Can you have a jailbreak at the pub? No, I don’t suppose you can. Maybe there is going to be a jailbreak…No, surely not…At the jail!?

"The way you do the things you do reminds me of my Lexus Coup…"
R Kelly - Ignition (remix)
Pretty much this whole song is a clusterfuck of lulzability in which Mr. Kelly likes to let ladies know they remind him of his cars…I think he is supposed to be referring to a quality chassis, a good engine and a great ride…Actually I just imagine he means less than ten years old and he can afford the insurance in case of mishap. Other magnificent lyrics in this song include “Can I get a toot toot, can I get a beep beep?” clearly showing the ladies he is after have a very low mental age (or physical age…yeah, I’m running with this whole R Kelly is a fucking pedobear thing because he is!) But one of the best lyrics in the whole thing is “Now it’s like Murder She Wrote once I get you out them clothes…” Whichever way you interpret this it is hilarious. You see, if you take the phrase ‘murder she wrote’ what Kelly is saying is that by the time you’re naked, he’s already cum in his pants…Or it could also mean you have the aged body of Angela Lansbury! Either way it’s fucking shit lyric!

"Have a drink, have a drive. Go out and see what you can find." 
Mungo Jerry - In the Summertime
By the sounds of it, Mr. Jerry, you can find an officer tapping on your window and a charge for driving under the influence of alcohol! His lack of personal responsibility does not end there though…Oh no…He also includes the line “If her daddy’s rich, take her out for a meal. If her daddy’s poor, just do what you feel.” implying that poor people can be abused to your heart’s content if you are out in the summer looking for something to do. Drink driving and sexual assault in one night!?

"If we sing, siiii-iiing. Sing, siiiiiing, siiiing, siiiing."
"If we turn, tuuuuuuuuurn, turn turn turn. Turn, tuuuuuuurn, tuuuuuuuuuurn."
Travis - Sing & Turn respectively.
Travis proving that writing song lyrics essentially involves doing mundane things repeatedly and for extended periods of time. The lyrics to turn are even more magnificent in that, by turning, we might learn to turn! But it seems you already have quite a firm grasp on turning having turned to learn to turn in the first place!

"Oh life is bigger - is bigger than you - and you are not me."
REM - Losing My Religion
Wait…Life is bigger than me, and I am not you!? I AM FUCKING STUNNED BY THESE WISE REVELATIONS! I had no idea that the entire scope of life on this planet and potentially in others was bigger than the existence of one organism within it. Nor did I realise, Mr. Stripe that I was not you! I feel silly for having wandered around with my face painted blue being a pretentious cock now!

"Sometimes the snow comes down in June. Sometimes the Sun goes round the Moon…"
Vanessa Williams - Save the Best ‘Til Last
Well, the first sentence is a rather astute meteorological observation. Indeed as a form of precipitation it is likely snow comes down almost every day somewhere or other in the world. However, the second sentence is just…well…wrong…What more can you say than…”No, Vanessa, it does not. It never has.”?

"Guess who’s back in the motherfucking house with a fat dick for yo’ motherfucking mouth!?"
Snoop Dogg - Ain’t No Fun (If the Homies Can’t Have None)
This song is lulzy G-funk puerility. If you want proof that misogyny is pathetic, listen to this track! But that line just cracks me up as I imagine Snoop bursting into all sorts of situations using it as his greeting! Indeed, I may have to start using it myself - so if I pop round to visit expect me to knock on your door and declare who it is by belting out “GUESS WHO’S BACK IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE WITH A FAT DICK FOR YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH!?” If your answer to that is ‘Jehovah’s Witnesses’ I may just burst into tears from laughter.

And Finally

By the Black Eyed Peas
Seriously, if these guys are not delegating their lyric work to barely literate infants there is something desperately wrong with music today. From outright stupid, to downright offensive they have very few lyrics that under even basic scrutiny could be considered ‘adequate’ - Fuck these guys, they are shit!  

Bad Song Lyrics Special - DJ Quik

@dplayer92259 thanks for the suggestion :D 

Right…It has long been my intention to make a mockery of bad song lyrics in one of my blogs and it is still my intention to do so. But @dplayer92259 on twitter brought to my attention a song that is so ludicrously ripe for mockery that it is almost a pisstake of itself. Indeed, my greatest embarrassment with this piece would be if it turned out the song in question was actually a mockery because, to my eyes and ears, it certainly seemed so. And for the sake of my sanity, I certainly fucking hope so, too!

The song in question is “Sweet Black Pussy” by DJ Quik -  and you can watch the (quite explicit) video here -

Now…Where do I begin. Well, why don’t I save the morality lesson for later and just begin with the lyrics?

To begin with, apparently ‘DJ Quik is in the motherfuckin’ house.’ But, quite how an abode can copulate with a maternal figure is beyond my comprehension, so we shall chalk this one up to a much overused colloquialism and move on. 
Mr. Quik goes on to proclaim that he has been ‘knocking bitches like it ain’t shit’ because he is apparently a ‘playa motherfucker’ whose nomenclature is such that he is known by the alias of DJ Quik. Quite what he means by ‘knocking bitches’ I am unsure. Perhaps this implies sexual relations, perhaps he has been merely calling at their place of living to see if they are home. I don’t know, but apparently this ‘playa motherfucker’ has, indeed, been knocking away; with such abandon that it is unlike faecal matter. 

His subsequent suggestion it that ‘maybe it’s the way I hold my dick that makes all the girlies want to ride my tip.’ Quite frankly I can’t believe any female observing Quik cupping his genitalia could possibly find it in any way alluring; so much as believing he is a potential sex-pest and onanist. But such is this gentleman’s self-confidence he, evidently, firmly believes his grasping of his penis is in some way attractive. 

He continues to express how some of the females are acting ‘unfair’ and conjectures that it is possibly the length of his hair that is the cause. He is obviously ignorant of the fact that he is a grotesque misogynist who has no respect for females beyond what they can perform with their genitals. So he may be somewhat missing a point here, I fear. But, alas, he ‘doesn’t give a fuck’ apparently, since apparently he is like a floating gopher wood vessel and has female canines approaching him two by two. This is what I take him to mean by “I’m like Noah’s Ark - My bitches come in pairs.” I can see no other possible explanation. 

MC Rapid then goes on to give us his measurements, saying he is five foot and eleven inches tall, and his penis is size seven. Of course this is purely an arbitrary unit of measurement that comes with no internationally recognised units, therefore, this could mean anything…It is this writers suggestion that size seven means that, like most men, he has a pretty average sized penis. But fear not ladies, because if you are attractive, he can “Stretch you a nine” which is very nice and thoughtful of him. Prior to this he does sadly refer to you as a ‘hooker’ implying that all females are nothing but concubines. I am unsure as to how he has reached this conclusion, but one could suggest it is merely that he has always had to pay for it in some way or another. 

Sadly his consideration does not last, as this gentleman admits he suffers from retarded ejaculation and will ‘fuck a pussy dry’ because of it. This could, sadly, lead to some discomfort, not only for the lady in question but also for Captain Speedy himself. He then goes on to give us more arbitrary details about himself, including his age and skin colour, as well as the colour of his eyes. This could be for reference purposes, or it could be because he is a bad lyricist, we just don’t know.  But apparently these details should make those of the female gender wish to pull their cotton undergarments down around their knees. Again, how he has come to this assumption, I have no idea. I know some 19 year old individuals of colour with brown eyes who certainly would not claim those qualities have ladies salivating at the genitals. 

He then goes on to claim that far from merely being a sexually promiscuous male, he is in fact in the illegal trade of lady’s sexual favours for money. If this were actually true, I am fairly certain admitting it on a record would be foolish as this could be considered a confession by law enforcement. As such, far from being a ‘playa’ or a ‘pimp’ he is actually just a show-offish sex fiend. 

But, he does apparently love black pussy, so much so that he alleges to have “Bitches on my jock like an airplane wing” - Such a sex-fiend is this individual that he would have sex with female canines that have a striking resemblance to aircraft parts…Again, if this were true, I am sure someone would have alerted the authorities. Having sex with dogs is bad enough, but ones that look like aerodynamically designed structures…that is plain wrong. 

He also implies that once he has brutalised ladies of unsavoury character with his genitals, they never want to let him go. This must surely be erroneous. Unless of course he is paying these girls to indulge in such masochistic practices, which is a firm possibility, given his previous lyrics. 

But, he doesn’t want to you ‘get mushy’ when you’re hugging and kissing with him, because he apparently just wants to fuck. With lyrics like that I am sure a psychoanalysis has the potential to come to the conclusion that this chap is either a latent homosexual, or a potential rapist. Of course, this is just conjecture. Unless any psychoanalysts desire to do so in which case I will gladly amend this paragraph based on their research. 

Apparently, these behaviours cannot be helped because he just loves black pussy. He goes on to speculate that so do creature of the Order Lagomorpha, quite what zoological research went into this I am unsure. I would like to see Quik’s references for this, as I am uncertain that rabbits have any affinity for African-American female reproductive organs. 

Post revelations about rabbit sexual deviancy he goes on to confess to more crimes. This time, apparently, he is resorting to petty thievery from his lady companions claiming to be ‘takin’ all the money from these funky hoes I’m breakin” This chap appears to be quite the criminal and I do hope the authorities are aware of this. This also provides further intrigue as to why any female would wish to get involved with him, given his penchant for intercourse with caniforms, his desire to savagely beat ladies with his penis, his assumption that all females are prostitutes and, now, the fact that he openly steals from them. He also goes on to threaten their lives by claiming that if they “double-cross” him he will be their “undertaker.” This is a chap you’d be ashamed to take home to your madame, let alone your mother. 

He then goes on to describe a very odd recipe for Beefsteak. Apparently Quik here likes to inject milkshake into his steak before cooking them, such that if you suck the steak, you will eventually taste the milkshake too. This certainly seems an intriguing dish and one that I must try some time; although I fear it will not be pleasant. 

There then follows a short passage which I am unsure if it is part of the song or not. If it is then it is the most odd interlude I have encountered in a musical number, as it appears the chap has actually just forgotten the correct lyrics. But the revelations after this only make this character seem more disturbing. He claims that “Women get grown up as soon as they let me rub it.” ‘It’ presumably referring to the female vulva. Now, this may seem innocent enough but, the implication that women get ‘grown up’ is such that it appears this individual is not fornicating with grown women, but young girls. So now he is a bestiality loving, sadistic misogynist thief and paedophile! WHY IS HE NOT IN PRISON!? If he is then I say well done. I am often not a fan of the system but if it has put this person behind bars it is at least doing something correct. 

The remaining lyrics are all rather banal and do not require further commentary, needless to say DJ Quik goes on to state how he loves black pussy again, and gives shoutouts to various other deviants who apparently support his behaviour. 

Now for the moral bit…Look, this piece is predominately just a humourous deconstruction of some exceptionally piss-poor rap lyrics, but there is a message in here. Because while this song is on the more overt end of the spectrum there is a lot of popular, mainstream music out there that carries messages similar to this into the ears of impressionable young people everywhere. I understand the need, particularly in the teenage years, to understand and explore one’s sexuality, but songs such as this, and more subtle, but no less damaging examples exist only to provide young people with a very skewed image of their sexuality. Young females who enjoy this sort of music are going to think of themselves as little more than objects for the ogling and enjoyment of men. They are going to have little in the way of self-respect and they are likely to also have a poor self-image as they strive for an unrealistic perfection that is pushed on them by an industry that really needs to take more responsibility. Young men are going to grow up with an overly sexualised and savagely dehumanised opinion of women; is it any wonder that dangerous promiscuity, teenage pregnancy, and domestic abuse are such prevalent problems when incredibly subversive music such as this not only exists, but is listened to and enjoyed by young individuals? 

I do not like to censor art; I really don’t. And so, I do not disagree with this song existing, or indeed DJ Quik putting it out. Okay, so it is far from the most lyrically genius rap track I have ever heard (and despite my seemingly ‘square’ attitudes I have no problem with hip-hop music) but I think we as individuals, particularly if you are parents, or teachers, or individuals of influence over young minds, it is your responsibility to ensure that they hear these songs and do not use them as life lessons. They must understand the difference between a ‘bit of fun’ and real life. They must understand the difference between an artist, and a role model, and the dividing line between the two can only come from society as a whole; and unfortunately I think we are failing on this. 

So by all means, let the youth enjoy crude rap tracks such as this. But let’s also educate them as to why the messages in them are not particularly the right ones to follow as life lessons. I, myself, love pussy. I do not discriminate, whatever colour it is, I am fine. But I have never been ‘knockin’ bitches’ or whipping them with my dick! I have never used them for money, and I have never suggested they are all prostitutes…Because I know the difference between a rap track and real life. But some don’t. So let’s educate them.