Mercer's Poems
Irritating Hackneyed Clichés

I wrote a poem not so long ago about a person who seems to make clichés come true. However, even under such circumstances it does not make them any more acceptable! We are all guilty of using clichés, or hackneyed old phrases and platitudes. They come so naturally, indeed so prevalent are they in some circles that it has almost become a cliché itself - e.g. football punditry, during which it is a cliché to expect to hear many clichéd phrases! 

Well, since I seem to be taking some kind of extended break from any serious political analysis, and since I have been mildly irritated by a cliché I read this morning, I am going to severely over-analyse and moan about several of my least favourite sayings.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

The phrase itself is supposed to be a warning about investing all of your time/energy/money in one venture lest something unfortunate happen. Actually, it is just a tediously impractical piece of clichéd bullshit. What if you only have one basket? Do you just merely leave some of your eggs behind to go rotten and putrid simply because you lack a secondary transport for them? Also, is it not somewhat a wasted effort trying to ensure you have multiple baskets with you at all times? What is more, is ‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket’ not countered by saying ‘don’t spread yourself too thin’…This is a damn good reason why such phrases do not work - there is always an equally pointless cliché to counter it, and they are usually disguised as some sort of twisted fable that makes little practical sense. 

If you wish to warn someone of the dangers of investing themselves too much in one venture or another then simply say so. “I think you may be putting too much effort into that, be careful, if it fails you shall be left feeling rather upset and will have wasted your efforts…” don’t go grinding out cheesy platitudes about eggs! 

You can’t have your cake and eat it. 

One that I know an acquaintance of mine will be happy to see on this list and its place is deserved. This nugget of nonsense is supposed to mean you cannot both possess something and consume it. However the example it uses is a bit daft. Forgive me if I am wrong but people don’t often desire cakes so they can put them in a safety deposit box…do they? Usually you have your cake specifically for the eating of it. I mean, okay sometimes cakes are ceremonial, but even then you cut them and everyone has a nommy bit of cake and all is well with the world. Wherever you go if someone has cake, someone will eat it! That’s what you do with cake! It’s almost as bad as the state-the-obvious phrase of ‘once it’s gone, it’s gone’…REALLY!? I thought once it was gone it was still there, and not really gone at all it was just some illusion! 

Seriously, have your cake, eat it…That’s what you fucking do with cake! If you have your cake and don’t eat it you shall merely end up with mouldy or stale old cake. Some cakes may keep longer than others in which case you can have them for longer, but you still need to eat them sometime. In fact, anyone who uses this phrase should be forcefed cake until their mouths are so clogged with mashed up cake they can no longer deny that if you have cake, JUST FUCKING EAT IT! 

Only boring people get bored 

I’ve seen this attribute to a few sources so don’t quite know where it came from exactly, nor do I really know what it means. But it was reading this that inspired my ire for clichéd bullshit this morning. It’s one of those new age, clichéd smugisms. Something people who like to describe themselves as ‘kooky’ say to try to exert some kind of privilege over ‘normal’, boring people. For one thing it completely misinterprets the phenomenon of boredom. Every single person on this Earth is capable of being bored and if you are one of the few who are not then there is probably something wrong with you. Given the correct circumstances ALL PEOPLE can get bored. Look, if you’re going to insult people be a bit more direct about it. For example, GITS WHO LIKE TO PRETEND THEY’RE FUCKING SPECIAL AND UNIQUE BY BERATING PEOPLE WHO GET BORED AS BEING ‘BORING’ ARE ALL ARROGANT, NARCISSISTIC CRETINS! You see, you don’t have to use smug one-liners. Now fuck off! 

All’s fair in love and war

That people even still say this is beyond belief but even I, in the relatively sensible circles I have called ‘friends’ have heard this being used in a modern context in which it has no place. 

Seriously ‘ALL’!? That leaves a lot of fucking scope. I mean essentially you’ve just condoned war-crimes - because all is fair in war, right!? Sexual assault? Pfft, it’s nothing if you say you love the victim because ‘all’s fair’ right!? NO! Fuck this phrase and its lack of any sort of ethics whatsoever! Both war and love are usually in themselves drastically unfair bloody things, but to use them as an excuse to demolish any notions of personal responsibility just shows a complete lack of humanity! That’s what this phrase is, it’s a get out of jail free card for acting like a complete dick of a human being with no sense of what is right, and what you should do as a responsible person. Fuck that, if you use this phrase I’m going to kiss you, declare war on you, then stab you - it’s fine, it’s both an act of passion and an act of war so it’s twice as fucking acceptable. 

The early bird catches the worm

Well, the early bird is certainly capable of catching some worms, but THE worm? What is this special, singular worm of which they speak? What makes it so apart from the rest of the worms that are actually available at various times on most days? What tragic fucking early bird is this that does not have a more varied diet? I’d rather be a late bird with some variety in my life than an early bird who smuggly gobbles up worms thinking they’re so fucking great!  

What advice is this phrase even supposed to offer? Get in quick? Wake up early? Always be early for things? I mean, it’s completely impractical and likely to lead to exhaustion. I just don’t get it. Things come and go at different times, opportunities present themselves with varying time frames you don’t have to jump into everything immediately - nor should you dither too much…Fuck this phrase and fuck the early bird.

Curiosity killed the cat

The irritating cliché equivalent of watching a gang shooting and having one of the perpetrators say ‘You didn’t see a thing…’ A phrase that merely exists not only as a kind of casual cruelty towards our delightful feline friends, but also as stark encouragement for lack of truth, enlightenment and stupidity. A culturally embedded trope that essentially tells us not to dig too deep, try to hard, or ask too many questions. If you ever wondered why ignorance was so rife, try considering this phrase and how culturally significant it may be. Fuck this clichéd piece of shit saying. 

I think I’m about done for now. Realistically I could probably research a list of tired old sayings and slate most of them. We are all guilty of using them on occasion but the problem comes when people believe them as statements of fact. It is our duty to question everything, even if it is culturally ingrained. Otherwise we shall merely stagnate into smug, ignorant homogeneity and I certainly do not want to see that happen. We have developed our language over a long time so that we may expressively communicate with each other in whatever ways we see fit, do we really want to be doing so with words that are not our own? Sentiments that seem false? and with phrases that are ambiguous in their meaning? Ponder that the next time you offer someone some advice. Are they more likely to heed a worn out old phrase, or are they more likely to respond to words from you, that sound like your own, and carry your thoughts and feelings in their subtexts? 

Bad Song Lyrics Special - DJ Quik

@dplayer92259 thanks for the suggestion :D 

Right…It has long been my intention to make a mockery of bad song lyrics in one of my blogs and it is still my intention to do so. But @dplayer92259 on twitter brought to my attention a song that is so ludicrously ripe for mockery that it is almost a pisstake of itself. Indeed, my greatest embarrassment with this piece would be if it turned out the song in question was actually a mockery because, to my eyes and ears, it certainly seemed so. And for the sake of my sanity, I certainly fucking hope so, too!

The song in question is “Sweet Black Pussy” by DJ Quik -  and you can watch the (quite explicit) video here -

Now…Where do I begin. Well, why don’t I save the morality lesson for later and just begin with the lyrics?

To begin with, apparently ‘DJ Quik is in the motherfuckin’ house.’ But, quite how an abode can copulate with a maternal figure is beyond my comprehension, so we shall chalk this one up to a much overused colloquialism and move on. 
Mr. Quik goes on to proclaim that he has been ‘knocking bitches like it ain’t shit’ because he is apparently a ‘playa motherfucker’ whose nomenclature is such that he is known by the alias of DJ Quik. Quite what he means by ‘knocking bitches’ I am unsure. Perhaps this implies sexual relations, perhaps he has been merely calling at their place of living to see if they are home. I don’t know, but apparently this ‘playa motherfucker’ has, indeed, been knocking away; with such abandon that it is unlike faecal matter. 

His subsequent suggestion it that ‘maybe it’s the way I hold my dick that makes all the girlies want to ride my tip.’ Quite frankly I can’t believe any female observing Quik cupping his genitalia could possibly find it in any way alluring; so much as believing he is a potential sex-pest and onanist. But such is this gentleman’s self-confidence he, evidently, firmly believes his grasping of his penis is in some way attractive. 

He continues to express how some of the females are acting ‘unfair’ and conjectures that it is possibly the length of his hair that is the cause. He is obviously ignorant of the fact that he is a grotesque misogynist who has no respect for females beyond what they can perform with their genitals. So he may be somewhat missing a point here, I fear. But, alas, he ‘doesn’t give a fuck’ apparently, since apparently he is like a floating gopher wood vessel and has female canines approaching him two by two. This is what I take him to mean by “I’m like Noah’s Ark - My bitches come in pairs.” I can see no other possible explanation. 

MC Rapid then goes on to give us his measurements, saying he is five foot and eleven inches tall, and his penis is size seven. Of course this is purely an arbitrary unit of measurement that comes with no internationally recognised units, therefore, this could mean anything…It is this writers suggestion that size seven means that, like most men, he has a pretty average sized penis. But fear not ladies, because if you are attractive, he can “Stretch you a nine” which is very nice and thoughtful of him. Prior to this he does sadly refer to you as a ‘hooker’ implying that all females are nothing but concubines. I am unsure as to how he has reached this conclusion, but one could suggest it is merely that he has always had to pay for it in some way or another. 

Sadly his consideration does not last, as this gentleman admits he suffers from retarded ejaculation and will ‘fuck a pussy dry’ because of it. This could, sadly, lead to some discomfort, not only for the lady in question but also for Captain Speedy himself. He then goes on to give us more arbitrary details about himself, including his age and skin colour, as well as the colour of his eyes. This could be for reference purposes, or it could be because he is a bad lyricist, we just don’t know.  But apparently these details should make those of the female gender wish to pull their cotton undergarments down around their knees. Again, how he has come to this assumption, I have no idea. I know some 19 year old individuals of colour with brown eyes who certainly would not claim those qualities have ladies salivating at the genitals. 

He then goes on to claim that far from merely being a sexually promiscuous male, he is in fact in the illegal trade of lady’s sexual favours for money. If this were actually true, I am fairly certain admitting it on a record would be foolish as this could be considered a confession by law enforcement. As such, far from being a ‘playa’ or a ‘pimp’ he is actually just a show-offish sex fiend. 

But, he does apparently love black pussy, so much so that he alleges to have “Bitches on my jock like an airplane wing” - Such a sex-fiend is this individual that he would have sex with female canines that have a striking resemblance to aircraft parts…Again, if this were true, I am sure someone would have alerted the authorities. Having sex with dogs is bad enough, but ones that look like aerodynamically designed structures…that is plain wrong. 

He also implies that once he has brutalised ladies of unsavoury character with his genitals, they never want to let him go. This must surely be erroneous. Unless of course he is paying these girls to indulge in such masochistic practices, which is a firm possibility, given his previous lyrics. 

But, he doesn’t want to you ‘get mushy’ when you’re hugging and kissing with him, because he apparently just wants to fuck. With lyrics like that I am sure a psychoanalysis has the potential to come to the conclusion that this chap is either a latent homosexual, or a potential rapist. Of course, this is just conjecture. Unless any psychoanalysts desire to do so in which case I will gladly amend this paragraph based on their research. 

Apparently, these behaviours cannot be helped because he just loves black pussy. He goes on to speculate that so do creature of the Order Lagomorpha, quite what zoological research went into this I am unsure. I would like to see Quik’s references for this, as I am uncertain that rabbits have any affinity for African-American female reproductive organs. 

Post revelations about rabbit sexual deviancy he goes on to confess to more crimes. This time, apparently, he is resorting to petty thievery from his lady companions claiming to be ‘takin’ all the money from these funky hoes I’m breakin” This chap appears to be quite the criminal and I do hope the authorities are aware of this. This also provides further intrigue as to why any female would wish to get involved with him, given his penchant for intercourse with caniforms, his desire to savagely beat ladies with his penis, his assumption that all females are prostitutes and, now, the fact that he openly steals from them. He also goes on to threaten their lives by claiming that if they “double-cross” him he will be their “undertaker.” This is a chap you’d be ashamed to take home to your madame, let alone your mother. 

He then goes on to describe a very odd recipe for Beefsteak. Apparently Quik here likes to inject milkshake into his steak before cooking them, such that if you suck the steak, you will eventually taste the milkshake too. This certainly seems an intriguing dish and one that I must try some time; although I fear it will not be pleasant. 

There then follows a short passage which I am unsure if it is part of the song or not. If it is then it is the most odd interlude I have encountered in a musical number, as it appears the chap has actually just forgotten the correct lyrics. But the revelations after this only make this character seem more disturbing. He claims that “Women get grown up as soon as they let me rub it.” ‘It’ presumably referring to the female vulva. Now, this may seem innocent enough but, the implication that women get ‘grown up’ is such that it appears this individual is not fornicating with grown women, but young girls. So now he is a bestiality loving, sadistic misogynist thief and paedophile! WHY IS HE NOT IN PRISON!? If he is then I say well done. I am often not a fan of the system but if it has put this person behind bars it is at least doing something correct. 

The remaining lyrics are all rather banal and do not require further commentary, needless to say DJ Quik goes on to state how he loves black pussy again, and gives shoutouts to various other deviants who apparently support his behaviour. 

Now for the moral bit…Look, this piece is predominately just a humourous deconstruction of some exceptionally piss-poor rap lyrics, but there is a message in here. Because while this song is on the more overt end of the spectrum there is a lot of popular, mainstream music out there that carries messages similar to this into the ears of impressionable young people everywhere. I understand the need, particularly in the teenage years, to understand and explore one’s sexuality, but songs such as this, and more subtle, but no less damaging examples exist only to provide young people with a very skewed image of their sexuality. Young females who enjoy this sort of music are going to think of themselves as little more than objects for the ogling and enjoyment of men. They are going to have little in the way of self-respect and they are likely to also have a poor self-image as they strive for an unrealistic perfection that is pushed on them by an industry that really needs to take more responsibility. Young men are going to grow up with an overly sexualised and savagely dehumanised opinion of women; is it any wonder that dangerous promiscuity, teenage pregnancy, and domestic abuse are such prevalent problems when incredibly subversive music such as this not only exists, but is listened to and enjoyed by young individuals? 

I do not like to censor art; I really don’t. And so, I do not disagree with this song existing, or indeed DJ Quik putting it out. Okay, so it is far from the most lyrically genius rap track I have ever heard (and despite my seemingly ‘square’ attitudes I have no problem with hip-hop music) but I think we as individuals, particularly if you are parents, or teachers, or individuals of influence over young minds, it is your responsibility to ensure that they hear these songs and do not use them as life lessons. They must understand the difference between a ‘bit of fun’ and real life. They must understand the difference between an artist, and a role model, and the dividing line between the two can only come from society as a whole; and unfortunately I think we are failing on this. 

So by all means, let the youth enjoy crude rap tracks such as this. But let’s also educate them as to why the messages in them are not particularly the right ones to follow as life lessons. I, myself, love pussy. I do not discriminate, whatever colour it is, I am fine. But I have never been ‘knockin’ bitches’ or whipping them with my dick! I have never used them for money, and I have never suggested they are all prostitutes…Because I know the difference between a rap track and real life. But some don’t. So let’s educate them.