Mercer's Poems
Scam Emails

My word how these things amuse me! What is more, as a writer they are a fantastic source of names. I got the name of the protagonist from ‘Easy as a Bee, See?’ by just checking through my junkmail and spotting a name that was appropriate for my character. But they really can be a joy. Their poor wording, and overtly ridiculous tone make them magnificently stupid and how people fall for them I’ll never know! “Oh but they’re elderly and vulnerable…” Yeah, and fucking stupid! Come on! Look, I’ll paste in one of my messages and you tell me if ANYONE could believe it…

Hello,

I apologize if contents hereunder are contrary to your moral ethnics. I selected you because your country has opportunities for lucrative investment which you proof by your social rank within the Society. As the Regional Manager of our Bank, it is my duty to send in a financial report to my head officer in the capital city COTONOU at the last quarter of two year business programmed.

On the course of 2009/2010 business report, I discovered that my branch made US$12.5M which my head officer at the headquarter was not aware of and will never be aware of it. I have placed this fund on an Escrow call account with no beneficiary. As an officer of this bank, I cannot be directly connected to this money, so my aim of contacting you is to assist me receive this money in your bank account and get 40% of the total fund as commission.

It will be a bank-to-bank transfer and all I need from you is to stand and claim as the original Contractor or depositor/beneficiary of this fund with my branch so that my head officer can order the transfer to your designated bank account when you apply for transfer of the Fund ok. Please get back to me for details with this email contact: (kellyandersonfile@yahoo.com). This transaction is 100% risk free. I am a staff working as the Regional Manager of the bank. Thank you in advance and be blessed, as I wait for your response

Yours truly,
Mr. Kelly Anderson
kellyandersonfile@yahoo.com
Phone: +234 802 461 4407 

Let us start…Firstly, is ANYONE who wants to get in touch with you to tell you that you genuinely one money/been selected for a unique investment opportunity/have to look after a country’s funds and a friend recommended you as you are trustworthy/any of this scam bollocks - Are ANY of them going to get in touch and not use your name? Just say “Hello,” casually at the bloody start? NO! Of course not! That’s entirely unprofessional. Right from the beginning there you can see this is a load of wank and should be treated as such!

To make it better, the writer then goes on to apologise if the message thereunder goes against my moral ethnics. Who are these moral ethnics? I don’t have a habit of keeping a circle of people around me, from different races and cultures, to guide me morally! It would be cool if I did, and it would give me a great understanding of other cultures and how they think and feel about things. But sadly I have no moral ethnics. 

Well apparently I was selected because my country has lucrative investment opportunities - in which case this individual clearly has not researched the UK economy at the moment. And I proof these opportunities…What? I read them over for errors? I don’t remember doing this, but if you say so - and apparently I do it with my social rank in society. As opposed, of course to my social rank anywhere else! You can’t have a social rank anywhere BUT in a fucking society, and you further prove you are a con by claiming I have any kind of rank whatsoever. I am council-housed, living with my mother, mentally ill and on disability. In terms of social rank in this still class-based pile of wank we call Britain - with its judgmental and discriminatory nature and it’s harshness on anything that is not in full-time slave-wagery as being a ‘scrounger’ - I rank somewhere below a middle-manager’s dog! I have no fucking social rank! Thanks for reminding me you ignorant scamming tit! 

Well, this person appears to be the regional manager of ‘Our Bank’…Since no other name of this business appears to be offered, I suspect this is what it is called. Though a search for ‘Our Bank’ yielded nothing. And this individual, who has apparently programmed two years of my business (not a very good programmer, evidently…) needs to send off a financial report to her head officer in Cotonou (capital of the country Benin. It’s next to Nigeria, in West Africa). I was unaware banks had officers of any descriptions, let alone head ones who required to see financial reports! Initially, I was worried that my apparently non-existent, entirely fictitious finances were being run by a military dictatorship! But then I realised that, in real life, my non-existent, entirely fictitious finances were being run by military dictatorship - just one disguised as fair business, and a democratic countr - so my fears we allayed. 

Then we get to the nitty-gritty! It seems this individual, who is a regional manager at ‘Our Bank’ is planning on embezzling funds. Something which she is so concerned about the secrecy of, she goes to extreme lengths to learn of my social rank in order to contact a complete stranger about this obviously covert act. This individual needs my assistance to embezzle this money, and for my part in it, I will get 40%. Well, that’s all very trusting, isn’t it? What’s to stop me just keeping it all!? I assume at some point in the future I would be required to re-transfer some of it back, but what is to stop me just blowing the lot and fucking off! All this person would have is my email address and details of a bank account I could easily transfer the money from and close! Logistical points such as this aside, why would any dipshit get in touch with a random stranger on the internet to trust them with $12.5m? People just don’t do this! I have enough trouble getting people to actually buy a book of mine for a few dollars, let alone people chucking $12.5m my way for nothing! 

Lastly it is 100% risk free! It is okay, you can trust her, she works as a regional manager at an unnamed bank somewhere!  What a load of shit! Seriously, how can anyone fall for it! Well, I decided that it would be rude to not reply and sent a message to the email address supplied above as follows;

Dear Ms. Anderson, 

May I call you Kelly? I think since in your previous email you offered to send me $12.5m and thus I know you to be criminal scum, we can do away with formality. Indeed why don’t I just called you ‘embezzler’!?

Well, Kelly, I regret to inform you that I work for Interpol. We have been working for some time on the financial discrepancies within certain Benin banking institutions and the “Randomly Made Up Unnamed Bank” for which you work as a regional manager, is one such organisation. Your getting in touch was an exceptionally fortuitous occurrence that shall save many man hours and the trouble of having to find out who we need to arrest, because we know who you are! You are Kelly Anderson! 

Fuck it, if you can make shit up, so can I! Seriously, do people fall for this. It’s ridiculous! I don’t work for interpol, and there is no $12.5m being embezzled. You are, however, still criminals. Seriously, you evidently have quite some imagination, why don’t you use it!? These scam emails get more and more imaginative (though no less convincing) every time I read them - Why not expand on your creativity rather than your criminality? 

Oh well, whatever, if you think you’re getting my bank details you can go get fucked with shovels. Wish I didn’t even have bank details anyway, those fucking financial institutions will destroy us all and profit from it too. 

Peace and Love

X  

We shall see if I get a reply and I will keep you informed! But until then, folks, please watch out for these and other scams. Do not trust anything you receive in your inbox and do not trust links that are sent to you via untrusted sources; and if they are from banks/building societies/paypal claiming unusual activity, do NOT follow the links in them!

Honestly, it is just a bit of common sense! Electronic communications are the most easily exploited for scammers, but if you’re not daft you should never fall for it! The internet seems to rather follow The Maxim from The Creed in Assassin’s Creed - “Nothing is true, everything is permitted.” In order to stay vigilant against everything being permitted, users must know that nothing is true! 

So stay happy, stay surfing and stay e-safe. Use common sense and, if in doubt, ignore it.

If you want to know more about various online hoaxes to educate yourself about them, visit http://www.hoax-slayer.com/

If you want to read more ludicrous examples of hoaxes, and giggle as people bait and troll them, visit http://www.419eater.com/index.php 

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