Mercer's Poems
Bunny Hell: Episode 3

This was the final episode that was written (and not finished), and at this point it was almost certain that the project was not going to get off the ground. As such, I feel this script is more than a little disappointing. 
The character of Karrie, an undead vampire rabbit, is introduced here, in a hammer-horror cliche kind of world.

*Warning - Contains themes, language and imagery that some may find offensive*

Bunny Hell, Or;

Where them dead ones from Watership Down really went!

 

 

 

 

EPISODE THREE

 

 

 

 

 

Script by

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KARL MERCER

 

 

Satan wanders in from off screen…

 

SATAN

 

Well hello again and welcome to our wonderful programme. It’s family friendly fun, like Madame Doubtfire…only in this version she’s a Madame of a brothel, and the transvestism is for sexual kicks…I’m Satan!…

 

A ‘Stan’ nametag appears on screen

 

SATAN

staring evily off screen to some sinister music

 

Dosum reesus natum crushem ignorantus bollocksum!

 

VOICE (O.S.)

ARGH! Not the nuts, please not the NUTS! ME BALLS, ME BLOODY BOLLOCKS!

 

the nametag changes from ‘Stan’ to ‘Satan’…

 

SATAN

losing the evil stare

 

I FUCKING TOLD YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN!…

 

 

…anyway ladies and gents…Last week our two bunny friends were idiots…I’m pretty sure they’re the same this time round…but in an all new adventure, ripped off from a neo-classical Victorian horror novel or some fairy tale of some kind!

 

Show castle in all it’s splendour, then cut to Antoine and Honey sitting in their lounge…

 

 

ANTOINE

 

So where’s whatsherface tonight?

 

HONEY

 

You mean Mercy?

 

ANTOINE

 

Yes…

 

spitefully

 

…Mercy!

 

HONEY

 

What’s your big problem with her anyway!?

 

ANTOINE

 

Oh nothing…nothing…I mean, when we first met she deliberately shoved a red hot poker right up the tip of my penis…two days ago she made me eat camel shit after leading me to believe it was a South American delicacy made using wheatgrass and chocolate, and last night she sneaked into my room dressed like She-Ra and scared me shitless…

 

HONEY

 

How did she scare you shitless?

 

ANTOINE

 

SHE WAS DRESSED AS SHE-RA!!! I mean…come on…doesn’t a woman with the body of a man albeit slightly more slender and with a pair of adorable bosoms frighten you slightly?


HONEY

 

No…what frightens me slightly is a disgustingly ugly man running a video shop with a pair of an abused dead hookers adorable bosoms…She-Ra…no…She-He…YES!

 

ANTOINE

 

Anyway…she’s just not nice to me!

 

HONEY

 

Mate…upon meeting, you considered sexually assaulting her!

 

ANTOINE

 

Yeah…

 

HONEY

 

On her first night here…you ATTEMPTED sexually assaulting her…

 

ANTOINE


Yeah…

 

HONEY

 

And on her first day here…you sexually assaulted a stunned goat…to show her what you were gonna do to her…

 

ANTOINE

 

Yeah…

 

HONEY

 

You didn’t use your penis to sexually assault the goat though, did you?

 

ANTOINE

 

No…

 

HONEY

 

Do you remember what you did use?

 

ANTOINE

 

Hmm…a vague recollection…

 

HONEY


What was it?

 

ANTOINE

 

Was this the three foot wide spiked iron girder…

 

HONEY

 

and?


ANTOINE

 

OH YEAH…and it had been coated in a layer of chilli oil…

 

HONEY

 

So essentially what you’ve said to this woman is…I respect and like you so much I want to hideously rape you with a piece of iron that’ll not only tear your minge…indeed your whole body into small slightly ragged pieces…but it’ll also burn like fuck whilst doing so!

 

ANTOINE

 

…and she doesn’t like me why?

 

HONEY

 

Oh I give up…We’ve gotta find you an invincible woman who you can beat up, batter and bum-rape as much as you like without her feeling the pain or dying!

 

ANTOINE

 

As if we’ll find anyone like that…she’d have to be like…an undead or something!

 

A wolf is heard howling…

 

ANTOINE

 

Look…a full moon!

 

Honey turns round to see two arse cheeks exposed through the window

 

HONEY

 

FOOK OFF YOU CHEEKY BASTARDS!

 

The arse-cheeks move, revealing an actual full-moon!

 

ANTOINE

 

Now looks like just the right time to be looking for undead…What shall we take?

 

HONEY

 

Well…some of these undead can be dangerous…We need the proper tools!

 

Cut to Honey and Antoine outside…Honey has a flaming torch, a cross round his neck and a bible, and Antoine holds a lacrosse raquet and ball…

 

HONEY

 

What the fuck is that?

 

ANTOINE

 

You said to me “Now Antoine, if you can get nothing else…which you probably won’t…bring Lacrosse!”

 

HONEY

 

Why are the posh so fucking dumb…I actually said bring A-CROSS, as in singular…ONE CROSS! dipshit!

 

ANTOINE

 

Oh don’t shout…it’s my hearing…I have tinitus you know…

 

HONEY

 

Wasn’t he one of the titans?…anyhow…We’ve got a selection of places to go…

 

…Happyland…

 

a picture of a happy looking paradise is shown

 

…Pleasureville…

 

A picture of a load of people having fun and frolicking at a fair is shown

 

…Smiley Cove…

 

A picture of a small cave-and-bay combination are shown, in the shape of a smiley face. People are smiling lots and having fun

 

…or, finally…The scary old abandoned organic health farm…

 

ANTOINE

 

No you don’t mean?…

 

HONEY

 

Yes…

 

ANTOINE

 

OH THE HUMANITY!

 

HONEY


Oh the stench of the fucking ghost farts!

 

ANTOINE

 

Yeah…that too!

 

Cut to health farm. Antoine and Honey are standing in a relatively indistinguishable space…

 

HONEY

 

This place is pretty indistinguishable from anywhere else…

 

ANTOINE

 

I know…it’s like…it’s got a mind of it’s own…but it’s mind is like…


HONEY

 

Yours?…as in, thinks it’s something special by resorting to absolute fucking nothingness…

 

ANTOINE

 

I was thinking more like Cher’s…as in plastic and stupid…Like a barbie doll…only dressed like a gothic teen slut….

 

HONEY

 

Anyway…where do we go…

 

ANTOINE

 

Well…we’ve got the choice of…safe exit 1…safe exit 2…safe exit 3…celler (with extra killing)…Cupboard (where you’ll think you’re safe until you get stabbed)…or the big scary Eastern European Transylvannian style castle…

 

HONEY

 

You mean the one that potentially holds the undead vampire woman immune to pain from sadistic people who love to screw people’s brains out whilst inflicting copious amounts of pain…

 

ANTOINE

 

Firstly…yes…secondly…where did you get your vocabulary from?…I mean, sometimes you just say ‘Fuck’ and ‘bollocks’ and other times you use words like…verisimlatude and ex-trans-fundamentalist…

 

HONEY

 

Let’s just say I had a thing for Carol Vorderman for a while…and countdown was my wank-bank…or my masturbatory depository!

 

ANTOINE

 

Anyway…lets go to the castle!

 

 

Cut to castle

 

HONEY


We’re in the castle


ANTOINE

 

What a nice castle

 

KARRIE

 

So you like my castle!

 

KARRIE, an evil vampire bunny who looks surprisingly like the hooker from episode one…

 

HONEY

 

You look surprisingly like the hooker from episode one…

 

ANTOINE

 

…Oh yeah…the slut with the violin in her cun…

 

HONEY

TOSSING BASTARD…It was a fucking viola! You spent ages argueing about that!

 

ANTOINE

 

Oh yeah…So what’s with the similarity dear?

 

KARRIE

 

Well, that was my identical sibling, Mary Queen of Cocks…

 

HONEY

 

Have any other brothers or sisters?

 

KARRIE

 

Well there’s The Virgin Queen…he’s my gay twin brother…lots of ‘em actually…

 

ANTOINE

 

So yeah…err…how you doin?

 

KARRIE

 

I’m doing well sugar…hows about yourself?

 

ANTOINE

 

You have lovely tits…

 

KARRIE

 

Well…aren’t we upfront…

 

ANTOINE

 

Well you certainly are!

 

HONEY

 

Anyway, I’ll cut straight to the point…this sadist is looking for an undead sexual partner to fulfill his desires for the next few years and want’s you to be it…We’ll offer you full accomodation, free, naturally, as well as three square meals a day…

 

KARRIE


I prefer them round…

 

HONEY

 

…and what’s more…you’ll get loved long time…

 

KARRIE

 

Hmm…sounds a good offer, but I’ll have to check with my landlord Wolfman as to whether it is ok…

 

HONEY

 

W-w-Wolfman?

 

KARRIE

 

Yeah…Wolfman…He’ll be here soon…

 

A wolf is heard howling in the background…

 

ANTOINE

 

My god I want you….

 

HONEY

 

Shut up!

 

The howling gets closer…

 

…Honey looks worried, Karrie waits patiently, and Antoine stares droolingly at Karrie

 

…the howling gets closer still…

 

KARRIE

 

Here he is!

 

The door bursts open„ and a large fearsome shadow is cast across the characters, as Wolfman, obscured by dark or fog, stands in the doorframe…WOLFMAN is actually a small bespectacled jewish Woody-Allen-esque bunny with his ears slicked back on his head, and this is noticable as he steps forward, his shadow merely a trick of the light!

 

HONEY


Oh my gawd! Wolfman?

 

WOLFMAN

 

Mmmyes I am Mr. Wolfman…What’s all this commotion!?

 

KARRIE

 

Well the be all and end all of it is…I’m moving out!


WOLFMAN

 

Oh no, oh my…I dunno you start off as just a mesely bunny landlord and then you…then you fall in love with a vampire woman…then she moves out to have sex with a sado-masarchistic bunny from Hell…I dunno…women!

 

ANTOINE

 

How did you know she was moving out!

 

WOLFMAN

 

I read the script!

 

ANTOINE

 

Oh right!

 

WOLFMAN

 

Anyway…I dunno, maybe I should go home and write a series of comedic movies with me as the star but…I’m just so mad…I’m just so mad that some jerk from hell is coming to steal a woman I wanna screw…

 

HONEY

 

OH YEAH! Whatcha gonna do about it!?

 

WOLFMAN

 

Well…I’m gonna set my friend on you…

 

A canine roar is heard offscreen, and the characters all look…

 

KARRIE, HONEY AND ANTOINE

 

ARGH WOLFMAN!

 

WOLFMAN

 

That’s my name…Hey who’s this behind me!?

 

KARRIE

 

I can’t believe your friend is a werewolf…

 

WOLFMAN

 

Werewolf…WEREWOLF…The friend I was talking about was Susan Sarandon!

 

Wolfman looks behind him…

 

WOLFMAN

 

Oh shit!

 

Wolfman is quickly snatched off screen, and the rest run…very fast!

 

Cut back to living room. Honey and Mercy are sitting down…

 

HONEY


So we just ran, and eventually the wolfman gave up…Without his pack to hunt with him he was deflated…

 

MERCY

 

So does this mean Antoine won’t be trying to screw me with offensive weapons…

 

HONEY

 

Yeah…

 

sex noises are heard from upstairs

 

KARRIE

faintly

 

Oh my gosh that gurder feels so good!

 

MERCY

 

Hmm…sounds like I missed out!

 

HONEY

 

Bear in mind she’s an undead…she knows no pain!