Mercer's Poems
Bunny Hell: Episode 2

In the second episode of Bunny Hell, we are introduced to the character of Mercy. After Honey and Antoine realise Hell is a lonely place without any female company, they decide to lure one, Hansel and Gretel style, with a gingerbread house, unfortunately made of medium density fibreboard. 

*Warning - Contains themes, language and imagery that some may find offensive*

 

 

Bunny Hell, Or;

Where them dead ones from Watership Down really went!

 

 

 

 

EPISODE TWO

 

 

 

 

 

Script by

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KARL MERCER

 

 

Satan wanders from offscreen…

 

SATAN

 

Oh hi…Didn’t see you there…I’m Satan.

 

A ‘Saturn’ name subtitle appears at the bottom of the screen

 

SATAN

 

FUCK A DUCK! DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN!?

 

VOICE

 

Sorry boss…Won’t happen again!

 

SATAN

 

Thank you!

 

the subtitle changes from ‘Saturn’ to ‘Satan’

 

SATAN

 

Anyway, last time, we saw how two goo-goo bunnies can get into such trouble due to a copy of a poorly selected videocassette…Shall we check up on them again?

 

A CHORUS OF VOICES

 

Yeah!

 

No!

 

Wanker!

 

SATAN

 

Seriously…I’m fucking fed up with working with amateurs…show the fucking rabbits!

 

Show castle abode of Antoine and Honey

 

cut to room inside…

 

HONEY

laughing

 

So erm…his name tag comes on…hehe…and er…Ha…it said ‘SANTA’ instead of…

 

SATAN (VOICE)

 

OIII!

 

HONEY

 

Sorry…

 

ANTOINE

 

D’ya know what?

 

HONEY

 

No…I never met him

 

ANTOINE

confused

 

What?

 

HONEY


I said…Never met him…

 

ANTOINE

 

You’re really sodding wierd…Right…want to know something?

 

HONEY

 

What’s that?

 

ANTOINE

 

I miss the company of that slender, sweet smelling, most majestic of all bunny kind…any woman!

 

HONEY

 

Really?

 

ANTOINE

 

Yeah…

 

HONEY

 

Do you remember the last chick we had about?

 

ANTOINE

 

vaguely…

 

HONEY

 

Do you remember what happened to her?

 

ANTOINE

 

Woman troubles? menopause?…What?

 

HONEY

 

The hammer?

 

ANTOINE

 

Hammer? Hammer? OH THE HAMMER!!!!

 

HONEY


So you remember?

 

ANTOINE

reminiscing

 

Yeah…

 

HONEY

 

So maybe females would stick around a bit longer if you didn’t batter them shitless and fuck their corpses all the time…

 

ANTOINE

 

Well…how come we don’t attract birds like we used to…

 

HONEY

 

Remember your personals ad…

 

show clip of newspaper style personals ad saying;

 

'Wanted…hot young do-able bird for murder and death shag…no mingerz, fat chicks or Janet Street Porter!!'

 

ANTOINE

 

Too blunt?

 

HONEY

 

So was the hammer!…seriously, it took six hours of gratuitous beating before she died…

 

ANTOINE

 

But still…gotta miss their company…and even when the place is an abominable mess, they always make a man’s palace smell good…

 

HONEY

 

Yeah…I spose…But then, we’ve gotta find a girl who’ll be able to stick a red hot poker up your arse if you try to kill n fuck her!

 

ANTOINE

 

Should I write another advert?

 

HONEY

quickly


NO!!!

 

ANTOINE

 

Then what?

 

HONEY

 

I have an idea…

 

Cut to Honey and Antoine standing in the woods near a perfectly built ginger bread and candy house…

 

HONEY

 

Right…now we cat-flap it…

 

ANTOINE

 

Cat flap?

 

HONEY

 

Yeah…didn’t you get your Professorship in engineering and construction?

 

ANTOINE

 

Let’s see, snobbery, peasant beating, a disctinction with honours in How to Be Condescending to those Less fortunate. Hmm, don’t know old bean! I think I had one…but I traded it with a pikey for some moody gold…

 

HONEY

 

Moody gold? Well I hope you bloody took it back…bleedin’ pikeys and their fake stuff…

 

ANTOINE

 

Well I was going take it back…but it said it was fine as it was and could I stop bothering it…

 

HONEY

 

The gold said that?

 

ANTOINE


Well it was pretty damn moody!

 

HONEY

confused

 

Whatever…Anyway, we build a door that has a distinct locking mechanism which means a person can walk into the house, but would find it impossible to walk out…Like a reverse catflap!

 

ANTOINE

 

Riiiight…gotcha! I don’t know, the common man, always working with his hands…

 

HONEY

 

I hope you said working, and not something that sounds similar along the whole beat ya cock till you cum lines!

 

ANTOINE

 

No, I said working.

 

HONEY

 

I know, I’m just a fan of gratuitous swearing…ya big clitlicking cockmuncheroony looking willybumcunty slap-and-tickle arse-ramming fuck ya!

 

cut back to room…Antoine and Honey are sat in front of the telly

 

ANTOINE

 

So how long before we get our woman?

 

HONEY

 

Well I did install taps but they only give out a non-specific brand of cola…Sooo…I’d say they’ll last a week without their gut rotting and their stomach acids eating out their body…Say three days to find the gaff…We’ll get there in about 6 days…Should have ourselves a philly!

 

ANTOINE


Fan-tiddly-tastic boy!

 

a 'COINCIDENTALLY EXACTLY FIVE DAYS, FIFTY-NINE MINUTES AND FIFTY-SEVEN SECONDS LATER' subtitle is show on screen, and we return to exactly the same scene as six days ago but with Honey looking at his watch

 

HONEY

 

3…2…1…That’s exactly six days after my six day comment…let’s go look…

 

Cut to inside of gingerbread house…

 

ANTOINE

 

Hello! Anybody here!

 

HONEY

 

Hellooooo!

 

ANTOINE

 

Doesn’t look like there’s anyone here!?

 

STRANGE VOICE

 

Hello?

 

ANTOINE

 

Hello?

 

an odd looking 70s glam rock style bunny walks in…dressed surprisingly like a certain glam rock star of ‘d’ya wanna be in my gang’ glittery style garry fame.

 

STRANGE BUNNY

 

Hello?

 

ANTOINE

 

Hello?

 

STRANGE BUNNY

 

Hello?

 

ANTOINE

 

Hello?

 

STRANGE BUNNY

 

Hello?

 

ANTOINE

 

Hel…

 

HONEY

cutting in

 

…How fucking long is this gonna go on?

 

ANTOINE

 

Sorry

 

STRANGE BUNNY

 

Sorry

 

ANTOINE

 

Sorry

 

STRANGE BUNNY

 

Sorry

 

HONEY

 

FUCKING SHUT UP!…right…who the hell are you?

 

STRANGE BUNNY

 

I’m Harry Sparkle…70s glam rock superstar…

 

HONEY

 

riiight…and what the fuck are you doing in our chick magnet house?

 

HARRY

 

Well, I was wandering aimlessly past in the woods dangling a bag of sweeties on a string trying to attract…erm…bees…and I saw this place and thought it’d be the perfect place to attract…erm…bees…and erm…well…I got locked in thanks to the giant reverse catflap!

 

HONEY

 

riiight…

 

HARRY

 

So yeah…that’s why I’m here…bees!

 

HONEY

 

And the hog-tied,crudely gagged, severely arse raped and brutally murdered children in the corner…

 

HARRY

 

Was like that when I got here…think one of them…paeditriciophile fella’s must have…snuck his way in…

 

HONEY

 

Yeah…they’re filthy fuckers aren’t they…

 

HARRY

 

Yeah…I mean…actually, they could just be like…I dunno err…really…small…people…

 

HONEY

 

Disgusting…sleazy…filthy…and the ones that kill kids…ending their lives at their peak…absolutely horrific…they aren’t even the scum of the Earth…they’re worse than scum…

 

HARRY

 

Yeah…Or it might be the Royal Fifth Rifle Battalion Corp. Of the Midget Independence army…erm…out on play-dead practice manouveres…

 

ANTOINE

 

It was you wasn’t it you dirty child molesting paedophile shithole!?…

 

HARRY

 

…yeah…

 

HONEY

 

Well did you happen to leave any hot young birds alive?…

 

HARRY

 

No…the birds have them tight arseholes so I got to them first and the cooing, and twittering…birdsong…ooh hits me hard…Could never watch Slyvester and Tweety without getting a bonk on!

 

HONEY

 

Do you enjoy the use of your dick?

 

HARRY

 

Well…yeah!

 

HONEY

 

WELL SHUT THE FUCK UP! Nobody wants to hear the sick opinions of a dirty and disgusting lower-than-scum sub-human cretin…you lot should all be fucking castrated…and the only way you’ll fucking escape that fate is if you happen to tell us if you’ve got a female rabbit anywhere?

 

HARRY

 

No…no…no…no….Only had a couple of them come in…one recently…I tried it on…she stuck a red hot poker up my arse…

 

ANTOINE

 

Was this chick hot?

 

HARRY

 

Hotter than hell

 

HONEY


Sounds like we’ve got our girl…How’d she get out?

 

HARRY

 

Said the idiots who built this place were bound to put a secret exit in and I never saw her again…

 

ANTOINE

 

secret…

 

HONEY

 

…exit!?

 

ANTOINE AND HONEY

 

ARGH FUCK!

 

Cut to Antoine and Honey, sitting in a room eating the last bits of meat off the bones of Harry Sparkle

 

ANTOINE

 

Was it really required that we munch this poor chap?

 

HONEY

 

Of course it was…How else were we ‘sposed to stop ourselves from wasting away into nothing through starvation…

 

ANTOINE

 

But surely we could have waited longer than thirty-six seconds…

 

HONEY

 

I hadn’t had any breakfast alrite!

 

ANTOINE

 

Ok, I was merely saying, resorting to cannibalism after such a short space of time…seems kind of…savage?

 

HONEY

 

Oh shut your well educated ‘mummy and daddy paid for my uni’ upper class, polo playing, horse riding (in a bestiality way) mouth! He had it coming to him!

 

ANTOINE

 

Ok…ok…I suppose. Besides, there’s no going back now!

 

HONEY

 

Yeah…

 

A pause occurs as Honey nibbles on bones, and Antoine looks about the room…

 

ANTOINE

 

You know sir, I’ve had the most spiffing idea!

 

HONEY

 

What’s that then?

 

ANTOINE


We can simply eat our way out…It’s a gingerbread house!

 

HONEY

 

Do you remember where we got the design from?

 

ANTOINE


Some posh git with a Welsh name wearing a frilly frock, and a bird who can’t stop smiling…not to mention the gay handyman…

 

HONEY

 

Yup…and there’s only ever one material they use on changing rooms!

 

ANTOINE

 

So?….

 

HONEY

 

So it’s all cheap-shit bottom of the range unbranded homewares superstore bullshit MD-FUCKING-F isn’t it

 

knocking on the clearly MDF wall just to prove it.

 

ANTOINE

 

Is that not edible then?

 

HONEY

 

Oh I give up…I suppose you did grow up eating…I dunno…blancmange and….Silver spoons but please…why do the upper classes not have any fucking sense?!

 

ANTOINE

 

Because we’re all stuck up toffeenosed inbred halfwit prats with nothing better to do than claim superiority when in reality we’re evolutionarily far below the working man on the scale. Hence not only can we do nothing intelligent, but we can do nothing physical either…In Darwin’s terms we’re the exception that proves the rule!

 

HONEY


In Darwin’s terms you’re a bunch of cun…

 

ANTOINE

 

Ts…k, tsk, tsk…Such language in front of a young lady

 

pointing to a young lady

 

HONEY

 

WELL FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, GOD HATH GIVEN US MERCY!

 

MERCY, a female rabbit stands about looking nonchalant

 

MERCY

 

He sure has…Mercy’s the name!

 

She flicks her hair in a suggestive fashion.

 

HONEY

 

And she’s hotter than hotter than hot!

 

return to mercy still flicking her hair…

 

ANTOINE

 

And look at that body!

 

Return to Mercy, still flicking her hair…

 

HONEY

 

And she’s a social retard who doesn’t stop flicking her hair

 

Return to Mercy, Still flicking her hair

 

ANTOINE

 

And I’m gonna hammer-beat her in the head repeatedly and then copulate with the remains

 

Return to Mercy, still flicking her hair!

 

HONEY

 

And she’s rather threateningly, albeit in a defensive way, weilding a red, potentially lethally hot poker, almost resembling a butt-plug

 

Return to Mercy, still flicking her hair, although doing so rather threateningly, albeit in a defensive way, whilst weilding a red, potentially lethally hot poker in the shape of a dildo specifically for arses…

 

MERCY

 

Come near me creep and I’ll stick this right up ya japs-eye and through to your arsehole…taking a detour at the fucking mouth!

 

HONEY AND ANTOINE

 

I LIKE HER!

 

ANTOINE

 

Let me handle this Honey…I mean, I’ve got all the upper-class, Roger Moore James Bond smooth attractive charm…You’re just a crass scouser who likes eating bread and butter pudding and singing Fairies live on t’Mersey or whatever…

 

HONEY


Smug

 

Ok then CASANOVA, get in there and charm the wits out of her…

 

ANTOINE

 

approaching Mercy

 

Hey hun…

 

MERCY

 

Use another patronising term like that and your voice’ll be higher than Martin Lawrence on the set of bad boys!

 

an Americano ‘Woooooo!’ signals the controversy of the statement…

 

ANTOINE

 

Oh you are so charming and witty

 

MERCY

 

And you’re a charmless fuckwit, now let’s stop playing ‘State the obvious’ and get the fuck out of here. The dead paedo is really starting to freak me out.

 

ANTOINE

 

First, shall we go upstairs and get down to some…

 

Mercy swiftly gives him a poker to the japs-eye. Antoine falls to the floor in pain…

 

HONEY

 

You’ll have to excuse him. He’s a right cun…

 

ANTOINE

 

…TOSSING HELL…Right on the end of the cock…

 

MERCY

 

…Roaches…All over the place…Loads of dead bodies…Let’s get out of here…It’s scary as fuck…

 

HONEY

 

…FUCK!

 

Mercy and Antoine look at Honey

 

ANTOINE

 

You didn’t really get that then did you?

 

HONEY

 

What?

 

MERCY

 

Oh you silly daft brush…the whole suggestiveness thing!

 

HONEY

 

Ya what? If it aint about Jimmy Corkhill taking heroin, or building shit house-traps…Mercy me I don’t know about it!

 

MERCY

 

You watched Brookside!?

 

HONEY

 

Yeah, loved it…Like a little slice of home…Indeed it became the fashion to have a body under your patio so that’s where we burried our nan…

 

MERCY

 

Was she a fan…

 

HONEY

 

No, she was assaulted…brutally…by me dad.

 

MERCY


COOL! It’s like a real life member of the Brooky cast! I’m wit’ you!

 

ANTOINE

 

I was on young, posh and downright fucking stupid once…It was on fTN and everything. Just after Drunk and Disorderly…Drunken Nights 3 and Lets Drink, the Comprehensive guide to getting bladdered and on TV!

 

MERCY

 

feigning interest

 

Hahaha…really…oh how brilliant; that must have been SHUT THE FUCK UP…I dunno, these attention grabbing snobs.

 

HONEY

 

Let’s get out of here…

 

MERCY

 

Right on!

 

ANTOINE


WAIT FOR ME

 

pulls the poker out of his urethra.

 

HERE I COME

 

They ride off into the sunset, atop a noble steed, with Honey in a cowboy hat…A sign across the screen reads ‘For those of you wishing to understand this continuity error…How she got out, and back into the house…where the sunset came from etc. it is entirely deliberate…They’re a bunch of talking rabbits from hell for fucks sake, use your imagination!’

 

Cut to Satan

 

SATAN

 

Oh those two boys, will they ever learn…

 

CREW MEMBER (O.S)

 

Here…what shall we put next time…Sultan, Sexton, or Curtain…

 

SATAN

 

I HEARD THAT…AND THEY’RE ALL CRAP SO YOU KNOW!…

 

…Bloody bastards…Anyway…did you spot the lesson this time round children…

 

CHILDREN (O.S.)

 

Chorus

 

NO!

 

Solo

northern accent, possibly yorkshire!

 

Not a fookin’ clue ya big red twat!

 

SATAN

 

shocked!

 

What!?…anyway, the lesson is…If ever you meet a paedophile. Don’t squeal to the pigs or tell mummy and daddy…Cook the fucker and eat his flesh from his bones…It’s not bad, because he doesn’t have a soul! Goodnight!

 

END