In the second episode of Bunny Hell, we are introduced to the character of Mercy. After Honey and Antoine realise Hell is a lonely place without any female company, they decide to lure one, Hansel and Gretel style, with a gingerbread house, unfortunately made of medium density fibreboard.
*Warning - Contains themes, language and imagery that some may find offensive*
Bunny Hell, Or;
Where them dead ones from Watership Down really went!
EPISODE TWO
Script by
KARL MERCER
Satan wanders from offscreen…
SATAN
Oh hi…Didn’t see you there…I’m Satan.
A ‘Saturn’ name subtitle appears at the bottom of the screen
SATAN
FUCK A DUCK! DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN!?
VOICE
Sorry boss…Won’t happen again!
SATAN
Thank you!
the subtitle changes from ‘Saturn’ to ‘Satan’
SATAN
Anyway, last time, we saw how two goo-goo bunnies can get into such trouble due to a copy of a poorly selected videocassette…Shall we check up on them again?
A CHORUS OF VOICES
Yeah!
No!
Wanker!
SATAN
Seriously…I’m fucking fed up with working with amateurs…show the fucking rabbits!
Show castle abode of Antoine and Honey
cut to room inside…
HONEY
laughing
So erm…his name tag comes on…hehe…and er…Ha…it said ‘SANTA’ instead of…
SATAN (VOICE)
OIII!
HONEY
Sorry…
ANTOINE
D’ya know what?
HONEY
No…I never met him
ANTOINE
confused
What?
HONEY
I said…Never met him…
ANTOINE
You’re really sodding wierd…Right…want to know something?
HONEY
What’s that?
ANTOINE
I miss the company of that slender, sweet smelling, most majestic of all bunny kind…any woman!
HONEY
Really?
ANTOINE
Yeah…
HONEY
Do you remember the last chick we had about?
ANTOINE
vaguely…
HONEY
Do you remember what happened to her?
ANTOINE
Woman troubles? menopause?…What?
HONEY
The hammer?
ANTOINE
Hammer? Hammer? OH THE HAMMER!!!!
HONEY
So you remember?
ANTOINE
reminiscing
Yeah…
HONEY
So maybe females would stick around a bit longer if you didn’t batter them shitless and fuck their corpses all the time…
ANTOINE
Well…how come we don’t attract birds like we used to…
HONEY
Remember your personals ad…
show clip of newspaper style personals ad saying;
‘Wanted…hot young do-able bird for murder and death shag…no mingerz, fat chicks or Janet Street Porter!!’
ANTOINE
Too blunt?
HONEY
So was the hammer!…seriously, it took six hours of gratuitous beating before she died…
ANTOINE
But still…gotta miss their company…and even when the place is an abominable mess, they always make a man’s palace smell good…
HONEY
Yeah…I spose…But then, we’ve gotta find a girl who’ll be able to stick a red hot poker up your arse if you try to kill n fuck her!
ANTOINE
Should I write another advert?
HONEY
quickly
NO!!!
ANTOINE
Then what?
HONEY
I have an idea…
Cut to Honey and Antoine standing in the woods near a perfectly built ginger bread and candy house…
HONEY
Right…now we cat-flap it…
ANTOINE
Cat flap?
HONEY
Yeah…didn’t you get your Professorship in engineering and construction?
ANTOINE
Let’s see, snobbery, peasant beating, a disctinction with honours in How to Be Condescending to those Less fortunate. Hmm, don’t know old bean! I think I had one…but I traded it with a pikey for some moody gold…
HONEY
Moody gold? Well I hope you bloody took it back…bleedin’ pikeys and their fake stuff…
ANTOINE
Well I was going take it back…but it said it was fine as it was and could I stop bothering it…
HONEY
The gold said that?
ANTOINE
Well it was pretty damn moody!
HONEY
confused
Whatever…Anyway, we build a door that has a distinct locking mechanism which means a person can walk into the house, but would find it impossible to walk out…Like a reverse catflap!
ANTOINE
Riiiight…gotcha! I don’t know, the common man, always working with his hands…
HONEY
I hope you said working, and not something that sounds similar along the whole beat ya cock till you cum lines!
ANTOINE
No, I said working.
HONEY
I know, I’m just a fan of gratuitous swearing…ya big clitlicking cockmuncheroony looking willybumcunty slap-and-tickle arse-ramming fuck ya!
cut back to room…Antoine and Honey are sat in front of the telly
ANTOINE
So how long before we get our woman?
HONEY
Well I did install taps but they only give out a non-specific brand of cola…Sooo…I’d say they’ll last a week without their gut rotting and their stomach acids eating out their body…Say three days to find the gaff…We’ll get there in about 6 days…Should have ourselves a philly!
ANTOINE
Fan-tiddly-tastic boy!
a ‘COINCIDENTALLY EXACTLY FIVE DAYS, FIFTY-NINE MINUTES AND FIFTY-SEVEN SECONDS LATER’ subtitle is show on screen, and we return to exactly the same scene as six days ago but with Honey looking at his watch
HONEY
3…2…1…That’s exactly six days after my six day comment…let’s go look…
Cut to inside of gingerbread house…
ANTOINE
Hello! Anybody here!
HONEY
Hellooooo!
ANTOINE
Doesn’t look like there’s anyone here!?
STRANGE VOICE
Hello?
ANTOINE
Hello?
an odd looking 70s glam rock style bunny walks in…dressed surprisingly like a certain glam rock star of ‘d’ya wanna be in my gang’ glittery style garry fame.
STRANGE BUNNY
Hello?
ANTOINE
Hello?
STRANGE BUNNY
Hello?
ANTOINE
Hello?
STRANGE BUNNY
Hello?
ANTOINE
Hel…
HONEY
cutting in
…How fucking long is this gonna go on?
ANTOINE
Sorry
STRANGE BUNNY
Sorry
ANTOINE
Sorry
STRANGE BUNNY
Sorry
HONEY
FUCKING SHUT UP!…right…who the hell are you?
STRANGE BUNNY
I’m Harry Sparkle…70s glam rock superstar…
HONEY
riiight…and what the fuck are you doing in our chick magnet house?
HARRY
Well, I was wandering aimlessly past in the woods dangling a bag of sweeties on a string trying to attract…erm…bees…and I saw this place and thought it’d be the perfect place to attract…erm…bees…and erm…well…I got locked in thanks to the giant reverse catflap!
HONEY
riiight…
HARRY
So yeah…that’s why I’m here…bees!
HONEY
And the hog-tied,crudely gagged, severely arse raped and brutally murdered children in the corner…
HARRY
Was like that when I got here…think one of them…paeditriciophile fella’s must have…snuck his way in…
HONEY
Yeah…they’re filthy fuckers aren’t they…
HARRY
Yeah…I mean…actually, they could just be like…I dunno err…really…small…people…
HONEY
Disgusting…sleazy…filthy…and the ones that kill kids…ending their lives at their peak…absolutely horrific…they aren’t even the scum of the Earth…they’re worse than scum…
HARRY
Yeah…Or it might be the Royal Fifth Rifle Battalion Corp. Of the Midget Independence army…erm…out on play-dead practice manouveres…
ANTOINE
It was you wasn’t it you dirty child molesting paedophile shithole!?…
HARRY
…yeah…
HONEY
Well did you happen to leave any hot young birds alive?…
HARRY
No…the birds have them tight arseholes so I got to them first and the cooing, and twittering…birdsong…ooh hits me hard…Could never watch Slyvester and Tweety without getting a bonk on!
HONEY
Do you enjoy the use of your dick?
HARRY
Well…yeah!
HONEY
WELL SHUT THE FUCK UP! Nobody wants to hear the sick opinions of a dirty and disgusting lower-than-scum sub-human cretin…you lot should all be fucking castrated…and the only way you’ll fucking escape that fate is if you happen to tell us if you’ve got a female rabbit anywhere?
HARRY
No…no…no…no….Only had a couple of them come in…one recently…I tried it on…she stuck a red hot poker up my arse…
ANTOINE
Was this chick hot?
HARRY
Hotter than hell
HONEY
Sounds like we’ve got our girl…How’d she get out?
HARRY
Said the idiots who built this place were bound to put a secret exit in and I never saw her again…
ANTOINE
secret…
HONEY
…exit!?
ANTOINE AND HONEY
ARGH FUCK!
Cut to Antoine and Honey, sitting in a room eating the last bits of meat off the bones of Harry Sparkle
ANTOINE
Was it really required that we munch this poor chap?
HONEY
Of course it was…How else were we ‘sposed to stop ourselves from wasting away into nothing through starvation…
ANTOINE
But surely we could have waited longer than thirty-six seconds…
HONEY
I hadn’t had any breakfast alrite!
ANTOINE
Ok, I was merely saying, resorting to cannibalism after such a short space of time…seems kind of…savage?
HONEY
Oh shut your well educated ‘mummy and daddy paid for my uni’ upper class, polo playing, horse riding (in a bestiality way) mouth! He had it coming to him!
ANTOINE
Ok…ok…I suppose. Besides, there’s no going back now!
HONEY
Yeah…
A pause occurs as Honey nibbles on bones, and Antoine looks about the room…
ANTOINE
You know sir, I’ve had the most spiffing idea!
HONEY
What’s that then?
ANTOINE
We can simply eat our way out…It’s a gingerbread house!
HONEY
Do you remember where we got the design from?
ANTOINE
Some posh git with a Welsh name wearing a frilly frock, and a bird who can’t stop smiling…not to mention the gay handyman…
HONEY
Yup…and there’s only ever one material they use on changing rooms!
ANTOINE
So?….
HONEY
So it’s all cheap-shit bottom of the range unbranded homewares superstore bullshit MD-FUCKING-F isn’t it
knocking on the clearly MDF wall just to prove it.
ANTOINE
Is that not edible then?
HONEY
Oh I give up…I suppose you did grow up eating…I dunno…blancmange and….Silver spoons but please…why do the upper classes not have any fucking sense?!
ANTOINE
Because we’re all stuck up toffeenosed inbred halfwit prats with nothing better to do than claim superiority when in reality we’re evolutionarily far below the working man on the scale. Hence not only can we do nothing intelligent, but we can do nothing physical either…In Darwin’s terms we’re the exception that proves the rule!
HONEY
In Darwin’s terms you’re a bunch of cun…
ANTOINE
Ts…k, tsk, tsk…Such language in front of a young lady
pointing to a young lady
HONEY
WELL FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, GOD HATH GIVEN US MERCY!
MERCY, a female rabbit stands about looking nonchalant
MERCY
He sure has…Mercy’s the name!
She flicks her hair in a suggestive fashion.
HONEY
And she’s hotter than hotter than hot!
return to mercy still flicking her hair…
ANTOINE
And look at that body!
Return to Mercy, still flicking her hair…
HONEY
And she’s a social retard who doesn’t stop flicking her hair
Return to Mercy, Still flicking her hair
ANTOINE
And I’m gonna hammer-beat her in the head repeatedly and then copulate with the remains
Return to Mercy, still flicking her hair!
HONEY
And she’s rather threateningly, albeit in a defensive way, weilding a red, potentially lethally hot poker, almost resembling a butt-plug
Return to Mercy, still flicking her hair, although doing so rather threateningly, albeit in a defensive way, whilst weilding a red, potentially lethally hot poker in the shape of a dildo specifically for arses…
MERCY
Come near me creep and I’ll stick this right up ya japs-eye and through to your arsehole…taking a detour at the fucking mouth!
HONEY AND ANTOINE
I LIKE HER!
ANTOINE
Let me handle this Honey…I mean, I’ve got all the upper-class, Roger Moore James Bond smooth attractive charm…You’re just a crass scouser who likes eating bread and butter pudding and singing Fairies live on t’Mersey or whatever…
HONEY
Smug
Ok then CASANOVA, get in there and charm the wits out of her…
ANTOINE
approaching Mercy
Hey hun…
MERCY
Use another patronising term like that and your voice’ll be higher than Martin Lawrence on the set of bad boys!
an Americano ‘Woooooo!’ signals the controversy of the statement…
ANTOINE
Oh you are so charming and witty
MERCY
And you’re a charmless fuckwit, now let’s stop playing ‘State the obvious’ and get the fuck out of here. The dead paedo is really starting to freak me out.
ANTOINE
First, shall we go upstairs and get down to some…
Mercy swiftly gives him a poker to the japs-eye. Antoine falls to the floor in pain…
HONEY
You’ll have to excuse him. He’s a right cun…
ANTOINE
…TOSSING HELL…Right on the end of the cock…
MERCY
…Roaches…All over the place…Loads of dead bodies…Let’s get out of here…It’s scary as fuck…
HONEY
…FUCK!
Mercy and Antoine look at Honey
ANTOINE
You didn’t really get that then did you?
HONEY
What?
MERCY
Oh you silly daft brush…the whole suggestiveness thing!
HONEY
Ya what? If it aint about Jimmy Corkhill taking heroin, or building shit house-traps…Mercy me I don’t know about it!
MERCY
You watched Brookside!?
HONEY
Yeah, loved it…Like a little slice of home…Indeed it became the fashion to have a body under your patio so that’s where we burried our nan…
MERCY
Was she a fan…
HONEY
No, she was assaulted…brutally…by me dad.
MERCY
COOL! It’s like a real life member of the Brooky cast! I’m wit’ you!
ANTOINE
I was on young, posh and downright fucking stupid once…It was on fTN and everything. Just after Drunk and Disorderly…Drunken Nights 3 and Lets Drink, the Comprehensive guide to getting bladdered and on TV!
MERCY
feigning interest
Hahaha…really…oh how brilliant; that must have been SHUT THE FUCK UP…I dunno, these attention grabbing snobs.
HONEY
Let’s get out of here…
MERCY
Right on!
ANTOINE
WAIT FOR ME
pulls the poker out of his urethra.
HERE I COME
They ride off into the sunset, atop a noble steed, with Honey in a cowboy hat…A sign across the screen reads ‘For those of you wishing to understand this continuity error…How she got out, and back into the house…where the sunset came from etc. it is entirely deliberate…They’re a bunch of talking rabbits from hell for fucks sake, use your imagination!’
Cut to Satan
SATAN
Oh those two boys, will they ever learn…
CREW MEMBER (O.S)
Here…what shall we put next time…Sultan, Sexton, or Curtain…
SATAN
I HEARD THAT…AND THEY’RE ALL CRAP SO YOU KNOW!…
…Bloody bastards…Anyway…did you spot the lesson this time round children…
CHILDREN (O.S.)
Chorus
NO!
Solo
northern accent, possibly yorkshire!
Not a fookin’ clue ya big red twat!
SATAN
shocked!
What!?…anyway, the lesson is…If ever you meet a paedophile. Don’t squeal to the pigs or tell mummy and daddy…Cook the fucker and eat his flesh from his bones…It’s not bad, because he doesn’t have a soul! Goodnight!
END
