Mercer's Poems
Bunny Hell:Episode 1

Bunny Hell was a short series of scripts that were written many years ago now, but that were intended to be made into an online series featuring some very creepy rabbit marionettes. If I ever remember the name of the chap I was collaborating with I will be sure to credit him and provide you a link. 

Essentially, this was a series set in Hell, whereby the two rabbit protagonists (Honey Bunny and Antoine De Rabeet) and, after meeting them, their two female companions (Mercy and Karrie) would have comedic adventures based around various grim fairy tales, classic horror novels, or other wicked cliched stories.

Honey Bunny was a working class scouse (from Liverpool) rabbit who was a commoner, but intelligent (mostly).
Antoine De Rabeet is an upper-class twit. The exact opposite of Honey Bunny he is predominantly stupid with occasional moments of enlightenment.

In this episode, Honey and Antoine have to repair a video-rental store clerk in a Frankenstein style.

*Be warned, these scripts are very, very dark in humour and contain language, themes and imagery that some may find offensive.*

 

 

 

Bunny Hell, Or;

Where them dead ones from Watership Down really went!

 

 

 

 

EPISODE ONE

 

 

 

 

 

Script by

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KARL MERCER

 

 

 

 

A devil bunny stands centre screen.

 

SATAN

 

Hello everybody…I am satan

 

a name subtitle comes up on screen saying ‘Santa’

 

SATAN

 

looking offscreen

What the fuck is this?

 

VOICE

 

What?

 

SATAN

 

This here…Do I have a red suit?

 

VOICE

 

Well…sorta!

 

SATAN

 

Oh for fucks sake…WELL EITHER WAY I’M NOT FRIGGING SANTA AM I?

 

VOICE

 

Well no…no you’re not…

 

a faint giggling is heard offscreen and the subtitle changes from ‘Santa’ to ‘Satan’

 

SATAN

 

Right…better…Anyway all the time for the intro has been wasted, so here’s a coupla bunnies from my neck of the woods!

…Fucking amateur cun…

 

Abruptly cut to show large castle dwelling

 

One rabbit sits alone in a room in front of a telly, the picture is too vague to make out. Another bunny walks into the room

 

TV BUNNY

 

Alright mate

 

BUNNY 2

 

Alright…Whatcha watching here?

 

TV BUNNY

 

Eh, it’s just Rocky…You know, I never thought Sly Stallone was so big on transvestism…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Transvestism?

 

TV BUNNY

Yeah and he’s always dancing and singing…where’s the boxing?

 

BUNNY 2

checking out the box
You fucking idiot…this is ROCKY HORROR…bloody wanker!

 

TV BUNNY

 

Well why did the guy at the video store tell me I had the right flick…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Well I have warned you about him after I watched my copy of Walt Dinesey’s Booty and the Beast…

 

TV BUNNY

 

Wanna come with me to take it back?

 

BUNNY 2

 

Yeah what the fuck, got nothing better to do!

Cut to walking down the street, the two bunnies walk past a hooker rabbit…

 

HOOKER

 

Care for a good time honey bunny?

 

BUNNY 2

 

Are you talking to me?

 

HOOKER

I’m talking to whoever wants me to talk to them!

TV BUNNY

So you could be talking to me…

 

HOOKER

Could be?:

 

TV BUNNY

Well, let’s just get a few things straight, firstly…normal chicks get to call me Honey Bunny, I don’t like the name, I never liked the name growing up and it was a curse on my childhood, filthy sluts like yourself call me Mr. Bunny. Also, I don’t pay my taxes for the police to let skanks like you stay on the streets…Honestly you’re at it like humans…fucking disgusting…Can you believe the levels some blokes’ll sink to!

 

BUNNY 2

 

Hmm, I know…

 

They walk off, leaving the hooker alone…Bunny 2 rushes back…

 

BUNNY 2

Do you do home visits?

 

HOOKER

 

Uh-huh!


BUNNY 2

holding out a piece of paper

 

Jot down ya number!

 

 

Cut to video store

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Excuse me?

 

Honey is ignored…

 

HEY! Excuse me…

 

Still ignored…

 

OI! Wanker?

 

under breath

arr for fucks sake…

 

Honey turns and throws the video at the clerk…

 

Have this back ya prick!

 

The video hits the video clerk on the head, before ricocheting off the shelf behind, hitting him again, ricocheting again…and basically following this ‘ricochet…smack!’ kind of pattern for a gratuitous amount of time!.

 

Erm…

 

bunny 2 enters…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Hey dude have you given the video back I got the hooker to stick a cello in her cun…TORTED GYPSIES ON FIRE…What the fuck happened?

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

I dunno!…I just threw the video at him in anger…and he kinda…exploded in blood…and err…Then collapsed…I’m sure he’s resting…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Mate…He’s dead!

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

No, no no…it’s err…Concussion!

 

BUNNY 2

 

No, it’s brains…Leaking out of his fucking head! DUDE YOU KILLED HIM!

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Oh shit…shit shit shit…erm…What do we do?

 

BUNNY 2

 

Well…I’m not really up on this whole kill-people-and-dispose-of-the-body-game…But err, he’s the only video guy in town…People’ll know he’s gone!

 

HONEY BUNNY

My mother always said to me “Honey, never throw a badly selected VHS at a video store attendent in anger”…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Why the fuck did she say that?

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Well she was a bit of a mental…or psychic!

 

BUNNY 2

 

What like Derek Acorah?

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

No, no…I said a psychic…not a filthy rich scouse conman…But anyway…WHAT DO WE DO?

 

BUNNY 2

 

I dunno…erm…I’ll have a look round…

 

bunny 2 looks around, the front door is heard opening…and then closing again…

 

I have an idea…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

What?

 

BUNNY 2

rushing around looking at videos

 

We’re gonna need some research material…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

What…What are we doing?

 

BUNNY 2

 

Observe…

 

some people come in, dressed in white robes and hold Honey Bunny’s eyes open, and apply drops…

 

A collage tape of bits of real Frankenstein movies is shown to ‘Ludvig Van’ music (Clockwork Orange stylee)

 

HONEY BUNNY

still with eyes held and scientists about

 

RIght…I get it…we’ve got to take various body parts from the recently deceased, piece them together and run a current through in order to bring this video guy back to life as some sort of disgusting hybrid creature after which all will be happy…But what are these guys doing here?…

 

SCIENTISTS

 

Oh…don’t mind us, we’re intertextual references…Won’t be a moment!

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Ok…but err…can you get these fucking things off my eyes please or you’ll end up like this guy here

pointing to video guy!

 

BUNNY 2

 

So…we’re sorted…there’s a cemetary accross the road…LETS DO THIS!

 

HONEY BUNNY

That’s it…gee yourself up for an old fashioned grave digging…wanker!

 

BUNNY 2

 

Call me a wanker all you like, I’m not the one who kills video shop staff with Rocky Horror…

 

cut to cemetary, they each have a shovel and pick at the ground…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

So you’re sure this is gonna work?

 

BUNNY 2

 

Well, movies haven’t lied to me yet…

 

longish pause

 

…Remember that time I switched bodies with my dad after we had an arguement saying we didn’t understand each other and then he woke up as me and I woke up as him with hilarious family-friendly consequences…


HONEY BUNNY

 

What like in the film “Freaky Friday”?

 

BUNNY 2

 

That happened in a film?

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Anyway this is a little different…I mean this is creating a life…How do we do it?

 

BUNNY 2

 

Well according to my research…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

…you watched a coupla movies…hardly counts as research…

 

BUNNY 2

 

SHUT IT!…anyways, according to my research the only part that really needs to come from him is the brain…is his head ok?

 

HONEY BUNNY

glancing over

 

Erm…define ok…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Perfectly intact, no fractures, splits, bad cuts…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

…nope none of them…should be fine…

 

BUNNY 2

glacing at the body…

 

Erm…he’s got a gaping hole the size of your average VHS video cassette box IN…HIS…HEAD!

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

well you didn’t mention holes…come to think of it…will his brain be alright?

 

BUNNY 2

 

Some minor damage…probably concussion when he comes to…We’ll mix it with some other peoples brains…

 

digging continues…

 

how many bodies you got?

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

106…is that enough!?

 

BUNNY 2

 

One hundred and fucking six! ONE HUNDRED AND SIX! Where did you get them?

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

I was just digging in this field marked “Care of Guantanamo Bay…No Entry…” It’s a payload down here…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Right…well bag them up and we’ll get going to the lab.

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

We have a lab?

 

BUNNY 2

 

…the kitchen then…

 

they bag the bodies

 

cut to kitchen; a food tray is set out, with a variety of household instruments such as knives, spoons, pizza cutters, a cheese grater, and a cookie cutter. The bunnies don aprons…preferebly one with a bare chest with six nipples on it and one saying ‘Rabbits do it…and do it…and do it…’

 

BUNNY 2

 

Now we have to decide who is gonna be Dr. Frankenstein, and who is gonna be Igor…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Well how do we decide…

 

BUNNY 2

 

With the most fair and complex method known to bunnykind

 

cut to the rabbits hunched on one knee…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Ip-dip-dog-shit-fucking-bastard-dirty-git-O-U-T-spells-OUT!

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Bugger…

 

BUNNY 2

 

So looks like I’m the hyper-intelligent Dr. Frankenstein and you’re the disabled inbred sidekick Igor…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Fitting roles!…no…wait!

 

BUNNY 2

 

fetch us a body then mate…

 

Honey comes in with the body of the hooker from earlier…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Where the hell you get her from?

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Found her in an alley…impaled on a cello…

 

BUNNY 2

 

H-h-how she, err, manage that then? ahem…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Dunno…violent, dirty, filthy sado-masochistic punter probably…Sick fucks…

 

BUNNY 2

 

err…YEAH!

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

I mean…what self respecting citizen of our weird but wonderful world would wish to see an old, diseased, low-grade prostitute forceably insert a stringed instrument in herself…It’s not right is it?

 

BUNNY 2

 

IT WAS ME ALRIGHT!…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

I knew it! Ooh, I feel like Quincy…My job is to stand in labs with dead bodies but I can still solve crimes…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Just…get her up here and I’ll start cutting her up…

 

Honey puts the cadaver on the kitchen table, her legs spread open over each side of the table

 

and err…you can leave for a half hour or so…erm…sidekicks not welcome for the disection…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Ohhhhhhhhh K!

 

Honey leaves, and we follow him out into another room and continue to watch him waiting patiently…a rhythmic squelching noise, and various rabbittey grunts are heard…the squelches speed up slightly and lead up to a long rabbitty ‘ahhh’ of relief…

 

BUNNY 2

shouting

 

Ok, you can come back in!

 

HONEY BUNNY

shouting back

 

You fucked the corpse didn’t you?

 

BUNNY 2

shamefully

 

yes…

 

cut to kitchen. The video guy’s body is completed and lies motionless on the table. A white sheet covers everything but his head…

 

BUNNY 2


So…Finally finished!

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Yup…

 

monotonously, straight to camera

 

It would have been horrific for anyone to see us hacking up those dead bodies and stitching and cut and the squelching and the haemorage…You’d be glad to miss it…

 

BUNNY 2

 

shut up…sound like you’re talking to an audience or something…

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Right well…where are we gonna get the electric current from?

 

BUNNY 2

 

Haven’t you seen the films…opening the curtains…From the raging lightening

 

The curtains are opened to reveal a crude painting of a sunny day, preferably with a childish smiley sun.

 

…oh…right!

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

Shall we just strap car batteries to his testicles…

 

BUNNY 2

 

Yeah, that’s best…

 

Honey bunny leaves to get car batteries…

bunny 2 gets serious…Soliloque style!

 

…For millenia rabbit hath sought to create life for himself. Here; in mine own Eden have I created my Adam, the only Eve shall be the eve of a new dawn of scientific breakthrough for bunnykind. Tears of grief shall no more be wept…

 

honey comes in, not with a car battery, but an AA, and straps leads to the crotch of the creature

 

…gone are the days of loss and death, for Dr. Antoine “Frankenstein” De Rabbeet hath created the ultimate surgery…

 

honey flicks a switch by the battery, sending shocks through the video guy…

 

…The Ark doth carry not thy Botox, Implants, or wrinkle decreasing treatments…Dr. De Rabbeet maketh bunny IMMORTAL!

 

VIDEO GUY

 

Where the fuck did these tits come from?

after having raised upper-body first, revealing a pair of massive norks…

 

ANTOINE

 

FUCK ME! He’s alive…Honey…He’s alive…BLOODY ALIVE!

 

VIDEO GUY

 

Too right I’m alive…This aint my friggin arm…Where’s my arm?…What the fuck happened?

 

ANTOINE

 

Allow me to explain…This idiot…

 

HONEY BUNNY

waving

 

That’s me!

 

ANTOINE

 

Threw a copy of Rocky Horror rather viciously at your head…it, rather misfortunously repeatedly ricocheted off the walls of your own shop…bludgeoning you hideously to pieces

 

VIDEO GUY

 

Bludgeon?

 

ANTOINE

 

Well, more exploded on impact…anyways we fixed you up…had to change a few parts but you are quintessentially you…

 

VIDEO GUY

 

The tits?

 

ANTOINE

 

Upper body of a hooker…

 

VIDEO GUY

 

The insatiable urge to suck your dick for money

 

HONEY BUNNY

 

…bit of her brain too!

 

VIDEO GUY

 

What’s this?…

 

writhing uncomfortably

 

…A cello?

 

ANTOINE

desperately getting off the subject

 

Well…I guess everything worked out fine in the end then…

 

Cut back to the video store

The video guy is standing back behind the counter, Antoine is talking to him, and Honey is checking out the videos…

 

HONEY

 

I think i’ll take this one…

 

VIDEO GUY

 

You’re certain you got the right flick this time…

 

HONEY

 

Yup, Angels with Dirty Faces…Love Jimmy Cagney!

 

VIDEO GUY

 

Ok…well that’s £3.50 for three nights…

 

HONEY

Ok…thank you very much!

 

honey leaves…

 

ANTOINE

 

Did you know…

 

VIDEO GUY

 

yup…

 

ANTOINE

 

Do you have a death wish?

 

VIDEO GUY

 

Yup…that’s why he’s going home with ‘Angels with Dirty Faces: A compilation of stunts by the ‘Angels of the North’ stunt troupe gone wrong, with hilarious muddy faced consequences…

 

ANTOINE

 

Well everything’s back to normal for now…I sure hope nothing else vaguely amusing or interesting happens to us to create another episode like what happened today…

 

VIDEO GUY

 

SHUT IT! Sound like you’re talking to an audience…wanker

 

cut back to Satan

 

SATAN

 

In my town…ya know, hell! I like to teach at least one lesson a day…The lesson here…DVDs will cleanly decapitate a victim rather than create the havoc and mess of a video!

 

END