Yesterday - being in a very bad place mentally - I decided to announce my twitter and tumblr retirement.
Essentially guys, I’m in the middle of a bit of breakdown at the moment. It is coming up to a year since I tried to kill myself and - I guess I’ve been thinking a lot on this anniversary and just how much has changed and how much I’ve achieved. The answer is I’ve achieved a lot - but with no reward. The question I’ve been asking myself today is are the means and the ends all that separate? I’ve come to the conclusion that they’re not. The means and the ends are the same. I find just as much reward in doing, if not more, than I get from any sort of recognition or end product from it.
I apologise if people feel like this is some kind of attention grab or something - believe me it isn’t. I make no bones about being quite mentally ill and - very volatile as a result. I am a volatile and impulsive person - but I’m trying to change this.
My potential return to university is a huge part of this. It was the first time I found something I wanted to do, and to stick to, and commit to in terms of a life’s work. Yet it’s proving difficult. I reached out for help on this and - well I got very little result. This was disheartening, you know. I’ve seen other less worthwhile causes garner huge support. I’ve seen companies and corporations generate huge incomes by begging people and the masses will lap it up - but a guy comes, with sincerity and cap in hand, begging and gets no response. It’s very troubling to me. And it hurt. I still feel hurt now.
But that doesn’t mean I should give up. If anything it means I should try harder. Quitting is for quitters, so I’m quitting quitting. The blog will remain, and my twitter account will stay active. That said, I’m going to take a break for a while, and I’m going to use them more casually. I’m going to use them the way I initially intended. To spread word of myself and be damned the consequences.
So what I am going to be working on in the meantime - well, check out http://www.youtube.com/mercer88 and find out! Needless to say it’s relaxing, and nerdy and will be done between bouts of feeling terrible and desperately trying to claw my education from the mire of doom.
I’m also still writing, and I will keep updating my tumblr with new poems although blogging may take a bit of sideline - as it has for a long time anyway.
Either way, I’m still around - My accounts will remain - and I hope you will forgive my mental vulnerability and volatility. I’m a young man and I still have much to learn - I guess I always try to learn too much too soon.
Peace and Love